Aries (March 21-April 19): Medical researchers are beginning to report an unexpected downside to the use of Prozac and similar drugs. Some patients find they just can't bear the strain of feeling content and well-adjusted. Having been accustomed to their depression for so long, they feel lost without it. I'm concerned that many of you Aries will face a comparable plight in 1999. Even without the help of pills, you're going to be far more comfortable with yourself than you've been in a long time. Let's hope this won't freak you out too badly.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Earlier this year, President Clinton laid a stern decree on the leaders of the Chinese government: "Get on the right side of history." He meant that they should maneuver their country away from totalitarian communism and in the direction of democracy and capitalism. Now I'm borrowing Clinton's injunction to use as your rallying cry in 1999. Get on the right side of history, Taurus. That is to say, analyze the destructive and constructive patterns that have shaped your life's path up till now, and then throw all your weight and all your love toward the latter.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): The next time a prophet of doom assails you with visions of global economic collapse, remind him that China and India, which comprise one-third of the earth's population, will finish the 1990s with more than twice the wealth they had when the decade started. And the next time a pessimistic friend or relative undermines you with hints that you'll never be better or bigger than the person you are today, quote me as saying that 1999 will be the year you'll blow away everyone's expectations.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): The astrological omens suggest your tribe will specialize in liberation in the coming months. Even your most covert sub-personalities will be singing freedom songs; even the most dank and dimly-lit regions of your psyche will thrive on blasts of fresh air and bright illumination.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Life will invite you to embody the archetype of the Congenial Trespasser in 1999, Leo. If you accept this assignment, you'll learn to violate taboos in the friendliest way possible; you'll try to explore forbidden areas without stirring up whirlwinds of opposition. Think you're up for this breathtakingly subtle dare? As long as you blend your cagey intentions with polite innocence, I think you'll be amazed at how little trouble you'll have reaching the wildest frontiers unhindered.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): New Scientist is a respectable magazine with a skeptical approach to the truth. It may not command the reverence accorded to the august Scientific American, but it ain't no National Enquirer either. Imagine my pleasant surprise, then, when it reported on research that seems to confirm what a wacko paranormal guy like me has always believed: We humans may be able to affect events which have already happened. I don't have enough room here to summarize the evidence, but suffice it to say that the experiment was well-designed and the results unimpeachable. Which brings us to you, Virgo. I suspect that you'll prove the theory yourself in 1999. Again and again, you'll get the chance to rewrite history and alter the past.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your conscience will soon be bugging you to drum up some heavyweight New Year's resolutions. Nagging do-gooders and whiny puritans may put pressure on you, too. As a public service, though, I'd like to help you rebel against these oppressive forces of the superego. My hope is that it'll fire you up for all the dissident actions I'll be counseling you to pursue in 1999. Ready to get started on the path to insurgency? Make a list of your anti- resolutions. What weird habits do you promise to cultivate with even more vigor in 1999? What problems are you going to exploit in order to make the status quo accountable for its corruption? Which boring rules and traditions will you thumb your nose at, paving the way for exciting encounters with strange attractors?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): My therapist recently confessed that she only accepts clients whose afflictions are interesting to her. She feels she's unlikely to be helpful to anyone else. I completely understand, and would make a further claim. Isn't it wise to choose all your friends and lovers according to this principle? Everyone's messed-up in some way or another, after all, so you might as well pick the messes you like best. Keep this uppermost in mind In 1999, Scorpio. Your success will depend on you having companions with entertaining and educational problems.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Will the millennium's approach bring deadly plagues, nuclear terrorism, a doomsday asteroid, Y2K chaos, and more films like Waterboy? Nah, probably not -- although I do expect several outbreaks of media hysteria that surpass even this year's Lewinsky Binge. You, on the other hand, Sagittarius, are scheduled for some fabulous upheavals. Unlike the events that the apocalyptic prophets foretell for our planet, however, I believe your mutations will shake you up in rather pleasurable ways. Examples: a romantic revolution that requires you to learn more about love than you thought you could handle; a recovered desire from your youth that stirs up sadness and excitement; and a brainstorm that will be both very difficult and very fun to bring to life.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I've come up with five metaphors that capture what I believe will be your life's essential qualities in 1999: 1) a 300-year-old vase filled with fresh lilies; 2) a post-menopausal woman who surprises herself by falling in love like a teenager; 3) a claustrophobic, torch-lit tunnel that leads to a sparkling health spa; 4) a five-year-old child holding a Stradivarius, preparing for a first violin lesson; 5) immigrants studying to master the entrance requirements of their new country.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I'm a great admirer of the role the jester played in the royal courts of medieval Europe. They had license to speak the innocent truth about the bombastic or deluded behavior of important people. I also love the tradition of the ombudsman, a person who receives and investigates complaints about powerful institutions. A good modern example is Bill Kovach, whose job it is to monitor the accuracy and objectivity of the magazine Brill's Content. What does all this have to do with you? I highly recommend that you get your very own jester-cum-ombudsman. You'll have a million fresh ideas in 1999, but only about 30 percent of them will be really great fresh ideas.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): A Chinese proverb says, "If a man has no nickname, he never grows rich." I have reason to believe this curious formulation will soon apply to you, Pisces. While 1999 will be prime time to lay the groundwork for greater wealth, I suspect you'll have the best possible luck in that effort if you'll make some playful tweak in your identity -- like by adding a whimsical new moniker, for instance. How about Rumbler or Flux or Splashy or Hooch or Lynx

Show Pages
 
My Voice Nation Help
 
©2014 SF Weekly, LP, All rights reserved.
Loading...