Savage Love

Hey, Faggot: You ran a letter once from a woman who wanted to do her reluctant boyfriend with a dildo. I'm a man and I've always enjoyed this activity, but it strikes most women I date as rather odd. Aside from placing a personal ad, do you have any suggestions for meeting a compatible woman?

Trying To Get My Role Reversed

Hey, TTGMRR: It's understandable girlfriends find your desire for anal penetration odd. Straight boys who wanna take it up the butt are odd, in the sense that they're unusual, so you are odd. Finding herself in bed with a man who wants to be fucked is a unique experience for most straight women -- and not all women are thrilled by it. If you're unwilling to go the personals route, I suggest you brace yourself for a lifetime of shocked reactions, tight-lipped refusals, and the occasional makes-it-all-worthwhile enthusiastic assent. But if you can learn to love the personals, they're a good way to meet like-minded pervs.

Don't take my word for it. Carol Queen, San Francisco-based sex-guru and all-around swell gal, recently released a video on just this subject. Bend Over Boyfriend stars Carol and her oft-bent boyfriend, Robert, and together they guide breeder couples through the joys and triumphs of girl-on-boy buttfucking. To avoid the awkwardness of revealing perverse desires to a new partner, Carol suggests you advertise. "Personal ads will help him weed out the 'ewwwww!' types right away."

If you just can't do personal ads, "bi gals may be more open to such play than straight-and-narrow women -- as might kinky women of any orientation, so he might keep an eye open for a BDSM support group," said Carol. "He'll obviously encounter women who will be into all kinds of play at an BDSM group, so he'll have to be pretty up front about what he does (and doesn't) desire; fortunately, that environment supports and even demands that kind of disclosure.

"If he has a steady source of girlfriends who just aren't sure about this activity and need some info, he can show them Bend Over Boyfriend." Carol also suggests a field trip to the dildo/harness aisles at Good Vibes in San Francisco, Toys in Babeland in Seattle or New York, Come As You Are in Toronto, or the sex-positive, women-owned sex shoppe in your area. "If they visit on a busy Saturday afternoon, chances are good they won't be the only boy/girl couple in that part of the store. If the radical right knew how much of this is going on in America, their heads would blow up."

Bend Over Boyfriend is available from Good Vibrations for $34.95 U.S. or $799.95 Canadian, plus shipping and handling. Call 1-800-BUY-VIBE to order yourself a copy. Do I even need to mention that Bend Over Boyfriend makes a thoughtful holiday gift?

Hey, Faggot: I am a 55-year-old man. I was married for six years 20 years ago. Since then, I've been a virgin. When I was married, I had sex every night. For some reason, looking for love and sex is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I am the King of Masturbation and I hate it. I want to love and be loved. What can I do?

RC

Hey, RC: What can I advise you to do that you probably haven't already tried? In the 20 years you've been looking for love and sex with no success, I can only assume you've done all the obvious things: personal ads, cruised singles bars, volunteered for good causes, assessed your personal hygiene, asked friends to hook you up, attempted to pay for it. If you've tried all that and none of it worked, I can only conclude that something is very seriously wrong, something that can't be solved or salved in this format. Or ever, really.

It's possible to be happy and single, but you'll have to disabuse yourself of a couple of demonstrably false myths in order to do so. These myths? "There's someone out there for everyone." "If you keep looking, someday you'll find him/her." How many people have to die alone and miserable before we stop jamming that someone-for-everyone crap down people's throats? The cold hard facts is that there isn't someone for everyone. Endlessly repeating that there is someone for everyone causes people for whom there isn't someone to waste their whole lives looking for someone who isn't out there.

To my mind, the stock advice given in response to questions like yours -- keep looking, don't give up, she's out there somewhere -- is far crueler than anything I'm telling you. False hopes dashed again and again can drive a person mad; cold hard facts, accepted and adjusted to, can relieve a person of much misery. So, my advice for you is this: After twenty years, it's time to pack it in.

Hey, Faggot: I was making out with my boyfriend; he's a violent kisser, and he was pulling on my tongue. That little membrane that connects the tongue to the bottom of the mouth snapped! It started to bleed all over the place, and it's pretty painful. My tongue is currently detached! I live with my parents, and they're in charge of all my medical business, as I'm a minor, and it would be somewhat humiliating for me if I presented them with my little problem. So, I guess, my question is, should I see a doctor, and have you ever heard of this before?