REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): My Valentine's gift to you is to help you boost your sense of how attractive you are. To start, close your eyes and visualize the most alluring person you know. He or she is standing in front of you. Now imagine that this gorgeous angel is gazing at you with tender desire. Bask in that aura for a while, then add to the scene another equally stunning person, also giving you goo-goo eyes. Insert still another raving beauty or irresistible hunk, and another. Don't stop until you have arrayed before you in your mind's eye 10 enticing people of your favorite gender -- and they're all glowing with sweet hot love for you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): One of the hallmarks of a talented lover is knowing that there are scores of erogenous zones to attend to. It's only mediocre practitioners of the erotic arts who fixate on the big boom afforded by the genitalia. I believe you Tauruses understand this better than any other sign of the zodiac. And what better time to prove it than the season of love? Your prime directive this week should be that every part of your body eventually caress, fondle, and rub against every part of your Valentine's body -- no exceptions.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): I have a special togetherness exercise for you and your Valentine, called Siamese Twins. Go to a thrift store and buy a jumbo unisex outfit. At home, strip down to your underwear, then squeeze yourselves into your joint costume. Each of you will be able to have only one arm waving free. The other will have to be wrapped around the torso of your sweetheart beneath the shirt. Similarly, each of you gets one pant leg for both your legs. Once you're ensconced, spend two hours and 22 minutes working as a single, coordinated unit. Careening crazily till you fall down is highly recommended; let's see how good you can get at lifting yourselves up when you're like a turtle on its back.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Wild-hearted Mars plunged into your House of Erotic Intrigue two weeks ago, and will be swirling around in that sensitive area for an unprecedented five months in 1999. I predict that in response, most of you Cancerians will be consumed by one of two fates. Some of you will fall prey to the idiotic notion (propagandized by pop music) that love is more meaningful when it's interwoven with jealousy, deception, and obsession. Others of you will explore scarily sacred depths of intimacy with partners you'll learn to trust more than you thought possible. Decisions you make this Valentine season will have a major impact on which path you ultimately take.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): I'm going to give you a special phrase of power this Valentine season. Use it often, whether you just sound it in your mind, whisper it, or bellow it aloud. It will calm you down when you're agitated, rev you up when you're apathetic, make you more profound when you're being superficial, and lighten you up when you're being too serious. It will also lift the shades on windows of opportunity, especially those that open onto romantic vistas, and will turn a light on in the imagination of any person who you know needs to connect with you. It's sex with friends.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Following an unfortunate romance, 18th-century blacksmith Joseph Moody of York, Maine, veiled his face with a black handkerchief for 32 years. Lady Elizabeth Raleigh, wife of Sir Walter Raleigh, had her husband's head embalmed after his death, and made it her constant companion for 29 years. What sets you apart from these two sorry creatures, Virgo? Whereas they never got over their lost loves, you soon will. I predict by May 1, you will have exorcised much of the remorseful romantic karma that's clung to you far too long. And it all starts this Valentine season.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "Dear Dr. Brezsny: A psychic told me I am supposed to meet an engineer-turned-hula-dancer who's fond of reciting the poetry of William Blake in a French accent. She said together we will set the world's record for longest time a Life Saver is kept intact while passed between two people's mouths. But I forgot to ask where I should go to meet this person and how long I must wait, and I can't afford another $150 reading. Please help. -- Wistful Libra." Dear Wistful: No one knows what your future will be like because your future is determined by what you decide to do! Now sit down, visualize the feelings you most want to experience from a lover, then use all your ingenuity to bring them into your life.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Polls reveal that almost three-fourths of all people think everyone else is having more fun than they are. For Scorpios, the percentage is even higher, an incredible 88 percent. Given your preference for intensity over contentment, and deep meaning over nice gestures, your suspicions may actually have a factual basis much of the time. I can assure you, however, that they are utterly without foundation right now. Every cosmic omen is screaming to me that this Valentine season should begin one of the happiest, most pleasurable periods you've known in years.