REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): Throughout history, most cultures have assigned a masculine quality to the god of the sun. Many of them, though, have myths suggesting that this Big Daddy is helpless without the renewing force of the Divine She. The Maoris said, for instance, that the solar deity had to steep in the uterine waters of the cosmos every night in order to be robust enough to come up the next morning. What does this have to do with you Aries? Well, right now you remind me of the tired old sun sputtering as it sinks below the western horizon. I believe you sorely need to recharge in the deep, dark surge of the primal feminine.

Taurus(April 20-May 20): Even in the calmest, simplest of times, there are at least two sides to every story. This week, though, the bare minimum will always be four. And that has the potential of unleashing a war of stories that's unprecedented among your tribe. Fortunately, you will be a healing force of unification at the hub of the hubbub. You'll be a weaver of webs who can take threads from all the tales and somehow spin them into a guiding myth that everyone can live with. It'll give me great pleasure to see your earthy creativity be appreciated by so many people.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): "A good deal of literature on the
subject of women's power states that men are afraid of women's power," asserts Clarissa Pinkola-Estes, author of Women Who Run With the Wolves. She adds: "I always want to exclaim, Mother of God! So many women themselves are afraid of women's power." Up until this year, I believe Pinkola-Estes' assessment has been all too true about most of you female Twins. But lately I've detected signs that you'll graduate from this curse by the end of 1999. This week in particular will be a milestone in your struggle to dissolve your fear of being strong and smart. As for you Gemini men: Your inner female is also getting pretty ballsy.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Shock the fear, Cancer. That's my Zenlike mandate to you. And if you're not sure what I mean by that, good. It'll encourage you to conjure up your own meaning. And that will be good practice for the rest of your life, which these days is rife with frustrating yet pregnant mysteries. Now please accept my gift of four other conundrums for you to wrestle with as well: Honor the anger; capitalize on the guilt; collaborate with the surrender; and give thanks for the trickery.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Congratulations, Leo. The Center for the Celebration of Life's Struggles has just determined that your current problems are the most interesting in all the zodiac. But more than that: They're also the most fertile, useful, and -- dare I say? -- worthy of being made into a major motion picture. No surprise, then, that the Center is set to award you the Naked Intensity Award. Your fantasies, let alone your actual actions, could transmute marriages, disperse crowds, and diddle the stock market. (P.S. This'll be prime time to kiss fucked-up beauty goodbye, and open yourself up to a far more integrated kind.)

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It won't be a good week to devote torrents of your precious life energy to returning overdue library books, snipping out cents-off coupons for grocery items, and sorting your socks. But it'll be prime time to xerox your butt and mail it anonymously to your boss, get your friends to organize a parade in your honor, or sip absinthe from a glass slipper by candlelight while lounging on a vibrating leather couch with a sensual revolutionary. Oh, one last thing. It'll be a bad time to be a know-it-all, but a perfect moment to be a feel-it-all.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "Dear Dr. Brezsny, I love my weekly dose of astrological wit, but I must say that if I had all the fun and exuberance you predict, I wouldn't be so damn depressed. And if I could actually get all the romance, flirting, and sex you dangle in front of me, I certainly wouldn't be celibate. Even though I am a Libran, I do think about something other than relationships. How about giving us more info about work? -- Moping in Madison." Dear Moping, try this: Every time a sexy fantasy bubbles up into your awareness, immediately force yourself to channel that psychic energy into a brainstorm about your career. If you do this faithfully for the next four weeks, I predict your job situation will improve by April 10.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): What you have at your command, Scorpio, is a magic we will discreetly not call black. Let's say, instead, that it's a vivid, flagrant gray. At your best you'll be a charming enfant terrible fooling around with boring equilibriums; you'll be a necessary troublemaker bringing messy vigor into all the overly-cautious game plans. And if you can manage to inject just a pinch of mercy into your bad-ass attitude, no one will get stung, and everyone will be thoroughly entertained.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I have never once, in the entire history of this column, brought up the subjects of farts, hairballs, oozes, drips, pimples, nose hair, and toenail clippings -- and I'm not going to do so now. It would demean both my dignity and yours to stoop to such vulgar references, even though my cosmic sources suggested that I do so in order to shock you into bringing your fantasies down out of the ethers and clothing them in flesh and blood.

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