The Man Who Came to Dinner

CUT to CLOSE-UP of BARRY.
BARRY (V.O.): Hmm. I wonder if he cooks?

Rachel said, "In fact, if we can swear you to secrecy, we have a little presentation we're considering. Because, well, we watch, like, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of movies every year, and, I mean, I'm sure it would be totally inappropriate ... to show you some of the films that didn't make it, but ..."

CUT to the living room. The Man Who Came to Dinner sits on the vintage sofa flanked by Doug and Brian.

"Title of film and filmmaker to remain nameless," says Rachel, slipping a cassette into the VCR.

The first few minutes of the tape were riveting: The film epitomized all the subtlety and nuance of a bad porno flick, but without the porn. In the opening scene a plastic Hollywood actor announces, from between his teeth, that his film has been selected for the Sundance Film Festival. "You know you're in trouble as soon as the lead character turns out to be a filmmaker," said Doug.

The second tape was a marvelously cheap attempt at sci-fi, starring an aging Burt Ward opposite the director's wife. In between static "space ship" shots and mismatched NASA footage, Burt delivered his lines with the same emotion and grace with which he might have said, "Holy Carrot Loaf, Batman."

Moving on to some of the winning films, those that will be seen in this year's festival, Rachel began with an extraordinary animated short. Without You is a four-minute film made by 14-year-old Ryan McCulloch of Vacaville. Using Claymation and his sister's dollhouse for a set, Ryan shows what happens to man's best friend after his owner has taken off for the day. The film, which is set to Frank Sinatra's tune of the same name, is filled with wonderful details.

"I mean, a 14-year-old kid working in a doll house and he has some sense of cinema. He's, like, 40 years ahead of that guy who made that first thing," said Rachel.

The second festival film, titled The Health Show: Hemorrhoids, was actually culled from a Canadian television program. A doctor-type announcer led us through a semi-comical explanation of the causes of and treatments for this particular pain in the ass.

The final program in the first annual Man Who Came to Dinner Film Festival was a live action short called Toy Boys, by Gaby Dellal. This British film follows several young families trying to get their sons accepted into a private school. It's a very clever, stylized piece that, in its 19 minutes, made an excellent case for the short format.

As the credits on Toy Boys began to roll ...

QUICK CUTs to CLOSE-UPs: Rachel's finger pressing stop on the remote. Barry's watch reading 10:05. The door creaking open. One handshake. Two handshakes. Three.

DOLLY down the hallway following feet back around corners and into elevator.
SOUND FX: Belch.
CLOSE-UP on elevator doors sliding shut.
FADE to black.

By Barry Levine

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