Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Once a year I select one sign of the zodiac to be the recipient of a special service. In 1999, Capricorn, you're it: Make or acquire a symbol of your most heart-rending anguish. Send it to me. I will then conduct a sacred ritual of purification during which I will burn that symbol to ash as I pray for your deliverance. While this may not extinguish your pain completely, I believe it will conjure a tangible healing that you'll be able to feel the benefits of within six weeks. Mail a representation of what hurts you the most to PO Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Watch for a whooping crane feather floating on the wind, Aquarius, the face of Jesus in a potato chip, mirror sunglasses on toy robots, Hallmark cards in the gutter, and sequined T-shirts on senior citizens. The arrival of any of these signs is practically a guarantee that a profound stroke of dumb luck will soon follow. If you'd prefer not to make your fate dependent on such chance sightings, I suggest you focus your attention elsewhere. Be alert, instead, for ripe opportunities to improve communication, subtle invitations from people who've been unavailable, and unexpected openings to heal long-standing schisms.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): [Note: The message contained in this horoscope was channeled by Rob Brezsny verbatim from God. If you have any complaints, please direct them to the Supreme Being Herself.] You must become more earthy about your spiritual aspirations, Pisces. Bring your lofty ideals to bear on your most intimate decisions. Ask yourself the question, "How would God like me to watch TV?" For extra credit, I dare you to put a bumper sticker on your car that says: "God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat her.