I'm a 23-year-old single black female. I live alone with a cat. I have no "real" friends, just acquaintances. The last time I had a date was 1995, the last time I got laid was back in 1993. It's 1999 and I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me.
I'm not ugly. I'm almost 5 feet, and 108 pounds. Women are always telling me how jealous they are because of my naturally long fingernails and almond-shaped eyes. But when guys come up to me and try to "get my digits," I get more than turned off. I get violently angry. Mentally, I know they just want to know me better, but emotionally I feel as if it's a violation of my privacy.
I am not afraid of relationships. Fear has nothing to do with my problem. It's men that trouble me. Everything they do, say, are, think, look like, feel like, and smell like disgusts me. I don't understand the desire women have for me. Men are great, don't get me wrong, but I can't force myself to become romantically involved with something I don't find attractive in any way.
The problem is this: I don't find ANYONE attractive. What does this mean? Am I doomed to a life without love?
I don't know if the "bliss" I feel right now from my complete isolation will become a deep depression in time. I don't have the answers, and wonder if you can point me in the right direction?
Girl Meets Boy
It's not often I recommend a shrink, but in your case I'm going to make an exception: GMB, you need to get yourself to a head doctor. It's one thing to live alone in blissful isolation; it's quite another to be friendless and violently angry at any man who expresses an interest in you. Reading your letter, I got the sneaking feeling that more is at stake for you during your interactions with men than a simple enjoyment of your solitude. The anger you feel is out of proportion to the offense, and your disgust with men and everything they're about seems, oh, a teensy-weensy bit psychotic.
You're 23, and haven't had sex for six years. That would make you 17 the last time you had sex, and I assume your last time wasn't your first. If you were sexually active in your early teens, and the sex was unpleasant or men left you feeling used, perhaps you harbor some unresolved anger issues. A shrink might help you get to the bottom of your hatred of all things male, and while you may not come to like men any better, with help you might find some peace about being alone.
Finally, you could be a dyke. Being a dyke isn't about hating men, but if you don't find men in the least bit attractive, and you never have, perhaps you're a big ol' dyke and you just haven't realized it yet. With a little help you may discover that it's women you want to give your digits to (and sink your digits into).
I'm a 24-year-old gay man who is a little traumatized. Recently I met a man who was my ideal man: great job, great looking, personable, and a raging bottom.
I went over to his place for a date. I assumed we wouldn't have sex, but we started to get into it. I didn't bring any condoms, and he didn't have any, so we couldn't do "the deed." There are many other things we could do that were hot, and I tried everything short of riding him bareback (I won't do that), but he was really disappointed about not getting fucked. His disappointment turned me off, and I couldn't get myself to come. So we stroked ourselves in silence, he came, and I gave up.
Now he won't return my calls. I can't shake the feeling that I underperformed and that I just couldn't keep his interest. I've never walked away from a sexual situation where the person was not at least satisfied, if not completely rocked. Normally I'd be like, "whatever." But it's different this time because I really liked this guy! What could I have done differently?
Blue Balls
What are you so traumatized about? You met a guy, you went on a date, you had sex, and he turned out to be an asshole. Whether you realize it or not, by not returning your phone calls your "ideal man" is doing you a favor. If he was upset when you wouldn't fuck him without a condom then he wasn't the guy you thought he was. Stop wasting time wondering what you did wrong, and thank your lucky stars he showed his true colors on your first date and not after you wasted weeks or months on him.
What could you do differently? Well, you could do your concept of "ideal man" a little differently. The first traits you cite as making this guy "ideal" are his job and his looks. There are a lot of great-looking guys out there with great jobs who happen to be great big assholes. I'm not saying looks and career shouldn't be considerations in mate selection, but they shouldn't outweigh other, more important considerations, like a pleasant disposition or a brain.
