Dog Bites

The Good, the Bad, and the Kinda Cute
Besides Erik Beckjord, many other people called and e-mailed to comment on the arrest of a wallpaper-paste-covered Kevin Keating, including Pollyanna Switchblade (is that your real name?), who writes, "We are so glad that Dog Bites is back. We've missed you, dar-ling! Kevin Keating is kinda cute, dontcha think?"

Well, darling, even if we had an opinion on this subject, and we don't, we'd be afraid to give it now that we know the non-Hallinan suspects us of ... uh, well, whatever.

Then there's Martin Lewallen, who says Keating is "a fucking poser and a naif. ... Cut your losses, baby, and plead guilty to attempted stupidity."

And Juan Tamad checked in again, after a silence of some months, to call Keating a "dorko grande. ... He's lucky he got busted before some Mission boys saw him fucking with their shit and popped a cap in his punk ass."

Oh well. At least Richard Trott was on Keating's side: "If even half of what Alleged Nestor has reported concerning his treatment at police hands is true, then I hope he files a lawsuit and wins a big settlement," he writes. "Enough to buy a shiny new SUV and a live-work loft on 18th Street."

BOSF: More Than an Issue -- A Whole Set of Issues
I am a 27 year old professional from Walnut Creek and enjoy going to clubs and dancing. In your best of San Francisco 1999 I'd have to say you couldn't of [sic] been more off. Give me a break, BEST SATUARDAY [sic] NIGHT DANCE CLUB you gave to release? I guess you like dancing with incoherent underage kids on all sorts of drugs. That's not my idea of an enjoyable dance club, the best places to go are Polly Esther's and Cafe Mars.

PS I hope your paper is professional enough to take constructive criticism.

Thank you,
Micheal [sic] Spinello

It's been a couple of weeks, but Dog Bites, who spent Sunday afternoon recovering -- from any number of things, actually -- on the patio of the Moss Beach Distillery, has finally been able to get at least some perspective on the controversy that continues to swirl around ... Best Of San Francisco 1999. (Sure -- you thought we were going to say Nestor Makhno, right?)

We note that Polly Esther's was annoyed enough by our snippy en passant reference to its clientele in BOSF '99 that it even took out an ad citing "... 1 Whiney [sic] editor who got thrown out for inappropriate behavior." Of course, we'd like to take credit for being the person tossed out of the nightclub, but in the interests of ... journalistic integrity (why not?) have to admit we know nothing of the incident.

Other complainants are angry because our awards prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, our long-standing bias in favor of "incoherent underage kids on all sorts of drugs" (see above), not to mention burrito-eating marginal-artist types who contribute nothing to the city except "ATMs covered with vomit." And still other correspondents are furious about the way our sympathies so obviously lie with the vile yuppies who patronize the establishments to which we gave awards.

In fact, the only person wholeheartedly behind BOSF wrote: "We were pleased as punch that SF Weekly included our observation that Terilyn Joe is the 'San Franciscan closest to hell.' [But] it's NOT just her hair that's an extension of the Dark Lord, it's her entire being. Watch closely some evening, and we believe you'll understand our stance."

As matter of fact, Dog Bites recently saw Ms. Joe in person -- at the ever-so-glamorous press preview of the new Star Wars movie -- and can tell you that an entire line of women waiting to use the washroom were transfixed by the Hair as it moved theater-ward out in the lobby. "Doesn't she know how big it is?" hissed one of Dog Bites' fellow line-standers. The consensus: We all prayed earnestly that we wouldn't get back to our seats to find Joe encamped in front of us.

SF Weekly Editorial Update
Finally, we introduce a new feature to Dog Bites in response to loyal correspondent Carl Morfeld's request that we keep our readers informed as to what goes on behind the scenes here at the Weekly. Basically, we like the way he always addresses us as "MY QUEENE" in his letters, especially as he uses a fancy Old English font for the honorific.

This Week at SF Weekly

Wednesday, May 26Hot water restored to women's bathroom.

Thursday, May 27Vending machine broken; no access to snacks on "D" or "E" rows.

Friday, May 28Hot water turned off again. Special bonus: Got parking spot in row closest to building.

Monday, May 31Holiday. Good parking.

Tuesday, June 1Vending machine still broken.

As told to Laurel Wellman

Tip Dog Bites -- especially if you're disgruntled. Phone 536-8139; fax 777-1839; e-mail

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