Dog Bites

14) The "burrito-ization" of falafel is an example of cultural imperialism and/or postmodernism. True False

15) I hate people who drive cars. True False
16) I hate bicyclists. True False
17) I hate Muni drivers. True False
18) I hate Muni riders. True False

19) I hate waiters and cafe employees who are cooler than me, their customer. True False

20) The only people in this town who lead a charmed existence are drag queens and Don Johnson (and maybe Mitch Marks). True False

21) Everyone involved in Mission neighborhood politics has more at heart than their own selfish interests. True False

22) Everyone involved in Mission neighborhood politics has borderline personality disorder. True False

Dog Bites: Still Enjoying Being a Girl, Thank You Very Much
Miss Keaton's note highlighted what is, for Dog Bites, a painful subject. Other alert readers may have noticed that Don Asmussen referred to Dog Bites as "he" in his San Francisco Comic Strip last week.

Dog Bites was crushed, at least until later in the day, when our handsome (and, more important, glib) escort theorized that Asmussen, perhaps, was a regular Dog Bites reader -- maybe even a fan! -- and was making a sly, insider reference to the traumas we have already suffered as a result of exactly this kind of gender confusion, most notably at the pen of Jon Carroll (see above), who has referred to us as "a coy little chap."

Since, among several possible scenarios, this explanation was the most flattering to us, we decided it was probably the correct one, and even went so far as to point out the male pronoun to a few people who hadn't yet noticed it.

Boy, are we ever feeling stupid now. Word has arrived -- via Barry Levine, The Man Who Came to Dinner himself -- that Asmussen, in fact, made a genuine error. "I am pathetic and should never, ever attempt to make any real points," were the exact words Asmussen used. (Now, Don. You're being a little hard on yourself.) Overcome with shame, Asmussen has so far refused to have dinner with the personable Levine, who is trying to schedule a meal with him, and whose table manners, we would like to assure Don, are above reproach.

So, in an effort to show that there are no hard feelings, Dog Bites has offered to bake Asmussen's favorite dessert and send it along with The Man Who Came to Dinner. Not that this would conclusively prove anything about our gender -- though we suppose we could come along to serve, or something. Don: Sit tall at the dinner table, and eat your cake (if that's what you want) like a man.

Win a Date With Terilyn. OK, Not Really.
Let us be the first to admit it: Last week's column sucked. But one reader, at least, was apparently so taken with the photo of Terilyn Joe that he called in to ask, "Why don't you have a 'Win a Date With Terilyn' contest?"

Why -- did he think Ms. Joe is attractive?
"Oh, yeah!" he answered enthusiastically. "She's fine! I wanna touch her hair."

When Dog Bites explained that Ms. Joe would be unlikely to participate in such an undignified escapade, he persisted: "I still think a contest would be good."

Well, we'll, uh, pass that along.
"Hey, do you know anything about her? Is she married?"
No idea.
"Hey, what's your name?"

As told to Laurel Wellman

Tip Dog Bites -- especially if you're disgruntled. Phone 536-8139; fax 777-1839; e-mail

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