Savage Love

I'm in dire need of help. Me and my friend are both 15, girls, and bi. We're bored with "traditional" masturbating. We've tried porno (which is great, but it only took me so far), random objects, even each other! Then we stumbled on her mom's vibrator. It was a big, blue, jelly dildo that vibrated. Needless to say, we had lots of fun with that.

But we want our own so that we can use them whenever we please. The only problem is that we're underage, so we can't just waltz into a sex store and pick up our dream vibrators (mine would be the "pubic mount dolphin model" I saw in a catalog, my girlfriend wants this vibrating tongue). I need a vibrator before I'm legal, I just can't wait three more years. Is there anywhere we can get these vibrators (without our parents finding out) and if so, where and how?

Wanna Get Off Before We're Legal

On your behalf, I called a few sex toy stores in and around Denver, Colo., to see what advice they might have for you. In the aftermath of the shootings at Columbine High School, there's been a lot of talk about protecting kids from R-rated movies, violent video games, and sensible gun control laws. While I'm all for getting vibrators into the hands of young people, I suspected it wouldn't be easy to pull off in our post-Columbine, save-the-kids world.

"It's like trying to get beer," said Dirk the Clerk at Fascinations Sexy Superstore in Glendale, Colo., just outside Denver. "Actually, it's harder than getting beer. Legally a 15-year-old girl shouldn't have a vibrator. If they came in here, we'd send them away. Lord knows, there are lots of 15-year-old girls out there who need vibrators, but we can't help them."

"Oh my," said Solomon, a manager at the Crypt on Broadway in Denver proper. "You have to be 18 years old to buy a vibrator. We card anyone who looks even vaguely 'borderline.' So long as you're 18 or over and have ID, then you can buy a dildo or vibrator or whatever you like. If you're not 18, I don't have any good ideas for you." None at all? "Well, they could go to a supermarket, go to the produce section, and go wild with cucumbers."

The manager at the third store I called was more helpful, but would only speak to me on the condition that I not identify her or her store. "To buy a vibrator all these two need is one halfway decent fake ID -- not that most stores would even bother to check. No one really cares how old you are, and if they say they'll card you, they're bullshitting. If you look absurdly young, make friends with someone who works in a sex shop, or order your vibrators over the phone with a credit card, or have your sister or aunt come in and buy you one."

I have a question about etiquette. At work, I was sitting on the toilet reading the newspaper when another guy came into the bathroom. He went to the stall next to mine, unzipped his pants, and started whacking off.

I lay pretty low in bathrooms, because I don't like people to know I've got my ass hanging out with a cigar dropping into the hopper. I was being pretty quiet and I assume he didn't realize I was in the bathroom with him. As soon as I figured out what the rubbing sound was, I gave my newspaper a shake. The rubbing ceased, and after a long pause, my neighbor grabbed a few sheets of toilet paper, blew his nose, and flushed. Not a bad recovery.

This guy definitely knows that I know that he was whacking off at work. I'm wondering if I should say something to him. Also, I wonder if it was all my faux pas for not coughing or something as soon as he walked into the bathroom.

Uncomfortable Neighbor

If a guy wants to whack off in a public restroom or in the great outdoors or in a Senate subcommittee hearing -- in any public place -- it's his responsibility to make sure he's either alone (restroom, great outdoors) or in the company of like-minded perverts (Senate subcommittee hearing). The "faux pas" here was committed by Mr. Can't Wait to Get Home. It wasn't your job, public dump taker, to cough or shake your paper, it was his job, public whacker offer, to look under every last stall door before he started noisily rubbing himself.

Should you say something to Mr. Can't Wait? Since he knows that you know that he was jerking off, the tension between you two must be pretty thick. If he doesn't have it in him to look you in the eye and say, "I'm sorry you had to hear that," then you'll have to pull him aside and say, "Next time, do it at your desk, like I do." Smile, be upbeat, and let him know you're not going to be a big wuss and complain to personnel. He thought he was alone, and the minute he realized he wasn't, he stopped -- it's not like he was sexually harassing you. And as we men all know, there's nothing wrong with whacking off at work -- at various times in our lives, we've all been Mr. Can't Wait to Get Home.

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