Dog Bites

*One (1) copy of entire June 30 issue.

*One (1) personalized scrawled note reading, "L/ Sorry to be neglecting you, more to come, B3."

Uh, great. And of course, the best thing about the next mailing will be that it will contain almost all the same stuff as this one did, which gives the whole exercise the kind of comforting predictability we enjoyed so much as a toddler, when we used to request that The Little Engine That Could be read to us over and over and over again. Bruce: Thanks for being there, man.

Reader Contest! Reader Contest!
For some time now, Dog Bites has been desperately casting about for a way to promote this column to our potential reading audience. And now we think we've got it: advertising!

Of course, we don't have much of a budget, which means we're going to have to start in a small publication: the commemorative program booklet for Muni's 16th annual Safe Driver Awards Banquet, to be held Oct. 2, in which we can buy a whole quarter-page for just $75.

So, since we're not graphic artists, we turn to you, our readers, to design a suitable advertisement for Dog Bites. Since the ad has to be submitted, camera-ready, by Aug. 2, our deadline for entries is -- oh, let's say July 16. And it should measure 3 3/4 inches wide by 4 3/4 inches high. The contest winner will receive a copy of The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types, which we'd like to get rid of, as it's depressing us with its dire warnings about our many personality defects. Plus, you'll be published in both the banquet program and Dog Bites.

Enter early! Enter often! Remember, if you don't, we'll have to write this entire column ourselves.

As told to Laurel Wellman

Tip Dog Bites -- especially if you're disgruntled. Phone 536-8139; fax 777-1839; e-mail dogbites@sfweekly.com.

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