Dog Bites

O'Donoghue elected not to return Dog Bites' phone call on the matter.

Up the Neighborhood
In fact, the more we think about it, the more it seems to us that Nestor Makhno North is on the right track. Some weeks back, we published a survey sent to us by the self-styled Mission Community Task Force Working Group Coalition, which asked all kinds of telling questions about "neighborhood values." Mallory Keaton, the MCTFWGC's founder, chairperson, and media relations coordinator, has since tallied the results of the survey, which, along with much of her commentary, we present here:

In regard to those questions about rich people and poor people, 90% of respondents agree that both groups spoil everything, and also that neither group really cares what the other thinks (78% on question 11; 81% on 12). While this seems like a really sad consensus, several people volunteered that they had never really identified with anyone they didn't know, rich or poor.

Several people noted that "street lunatic" (#7) was a more valid job description than "artist" (13), and one person suggested quite generously that many Mission scenesters could easily replace "artist" with "street lunatic with a clothing budget." This consciousness of other Missionaries' fashion consciousness was evident in the across-the-board resentment of "waiters cooler than me" (question #19). 93% of respondents hate service sector employees they perceive to be cooler than they are; two people offered stories of their hot new so-and-so being seduced from under their eyes by an unscrupulous waitperson.

84% of respondents found the burrito-ization of falafel (#14) to be the result of cultural imperialism and/or postmodernism, with seven respondents specifying postmodernism as opposed to cultural imperialism, and one of those noting that it couldn't be cultural imperialism because the burrito food-format has its origins outside of the U.S.

Apropos of no question in particular, one respondent took it upon him or herself to suggest a few changes in the Mission's store- and barfront landscape. One excerpt follows: "What was Clint Reilly thinking when he painted the old Leed's building [his Mission campaign HQ] in bright green and blue stripes?!? I would like to suggest that a red-and-pink veiny pattern similar to that of the candidate's nose would provide a more immediately recognizable color scheme and pattern, while also giving the building a sublime Italian marble appearance." The respondent offered Chronicle Books' best-selling Paint Recipes as a resource for this painting technique.

In conclusion, I'm sure you will see the ground-breaking importance of these survey results. The unilateral nature of the responses to any question involving hostility towards other people (rich, poor, server, etc.) is our most valuable finding. Nobody likes much of anybody (especially Don Johnson! Space prohibits details from the myriad rants against his character, appearance, and career) and that's the way we like it.

Rest assured, valuable member of the (old) media: We will proceed with the work of the MCTFWGC in light of this conclusive evidence that our insular political organization should remain just so. Nobody cares what we do; how liberating. We admire all the other insular Mission political groups who seem to have come to this conclusion long ago without having had to go to the effort of gathering community opinion.

And Dog Bites, of course, admires the MCTFWGC for its ability to accomplish its goals -- whatever they are -- without brawling with Joe O'Donoghue.

As told to Laurel Wellman

Tip Dog Bites -- especially if you're disgruntled. Phone 536-8139; fax 777-1839; e-mail dogbites@sfweekly.com.