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Dog Bites 

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Wednesday, Oct 20 1999
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Is it hot in here, or is it just us?

The combination of the past week's unseasonable temperatures and the volume of e-mail we've been getting on the subject of who should -- and who shouldn't -- live in San Francisco nearly knocked us flat. God, we wanted nothing more than to lie around our apartment conditioning our hair, rereading Wilkie Collins novels, toying with our paint chip collection, and imagining the uproar in the Guardian newsroom over Bruce Brugmann's rumored eleventh-hour withdrawal of support for Clint Reilly's mayoral bid. Would Reilly's carefully calculated adoption of a vaporously leftish platform prove to have been for naught? Would B3 really capitulate to pressure from his highly disgruntled underlings and endorse Tom Ammiano?

We would have been breathless with suspense, except that we were already breathless with the heat.

All in all, we were in no mood to write our column. So it is fortunate that the increasingly vocal Mallory Keaton, of the increasingly vocal Mission Community Task Force Working Group, contacted us late last week with the long-awaited finalized text of that organization's definitive...

Dog Bites wishes everyone (including the increasingly-portly Mr. Johnson -- and Don, if you're reading this, the vests aren't fooling anyone) the best of luck. We're sorry it's come to this, but try to look at it this way: Even if you have to leave, you can still come back to visit. Tourist dollars are always welcome.

Tip Dog Bites -- especially if you're disgruntled. Phone 536-8139; fax 777-1839; e-mail dogbites@sfweekly.com.

San Francisco Residential Validity Application

Download the Adobe Acrobat version

(Prepared and sponsored by the Mission Community Task Force Working Group Coalition.)

Please answer the following to the best of your ability.

1. Name: _______________ (If "Don Johnson," skip to item 20.)

2. Gender: ____________

3. Age: _______________

4. Ethnicity: ___________

5. Annual Income: ______________ (If you believe that a person whose annual income/net worth exceeds a certain amount should not live in San Francisco, please enter the minimum prohibitive dollar amount here: _____________. Please initial below to attest legally that if, by some miracle (e.g., your company has a successful IPO), your annual income/net worth approaches this amount in the future, you will immediately move to Atherton, Blackhawk, Los Altos Hills, or Ross. Initials: _____

6. Address: _______________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

(If you live in the Bayview/Hunter's Point area, you can skip to item 20, have a laugh at Don Johnson's expense, and get on with your life. For now, we can safely say that your part of town is not the turf under dispute on Craig's List. Don't turn your back, though! "Artists" will be living next door soon enough.)

7. Place of Birth (circle one): a) San Francisco; b) Bay Area; c) Other area of U.S. ; d) Outside of U.S.

(If a, please skip to item 19, noting that deriving a feeling of superiority from this accident of birth is both unattractive and somewhat desperate. All others, please note: The MCTFWG acknowledges that you did not pick the place where you were born.)

8. Are you a homeowner?_______ (If yes, please skip to item 11.)

9. Would you buy a house here if you could afford it?______ (If yes, please go to item 10. If no, please skip to item 12.)

10. People who answered "yes" to item 8 have been able to realize a goal that you share. Is this wrong?_________ (Please skip to item 12.)

11. Since the passage of Proposition 13, the tax base has been severely undercut. Would you be amenable to property taxes that reflect the infrastructure needs of San Francisco and of the state, including paying teachers a living wage and giving children schools that are in better state of repair than the defunct movie houses on Mission Street / Clint Reilly's nose? _______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

12. Diversity, acceptance, and a general lack of bitching about "them" have been hallmarks of San Francisco's civic identity since the turn of the last century. On the eve of a new century, please give a Likert-scale rating of the extent to which your personal attitude and daily conversation content uphold these values (circle one):

Not at all Occasionally Most of the time Always

13. Please circle any and all methods you have employed in the last month in the service of self-improvement, self-maintenance, and/or self-indulgence:

Massage, acupuncture, yoga, gym workouts, 12-step programs, sushi, chiropractic care, aromatherapy, biofeedback, meditation, K-holes, herbal remedies, manicures, facials, writing groups, reading groups, psychotherapy, psychiatric medications, obsessive obituary-reading, wine tastings, burning ritual candles purchased at Illuminations.

14. What happened on February 1, 1997 that "Ozone" (see "Dog Bites," Oct. 13) considers a defining San Francisco moment?

15. Please select the San Francisco couple most deserving of each other:

a) mean-spirited Supervisor of limited insight Amos Brown and squishy-spirited weekly newspaper of limited insight Bay Guardian

b) Chronicle society columnist and bourbon-lover Pat Steeger and any old genial bourbon-loving homeless guy

c) Graffiti-promoting geeky white man Nestor Mahkno and geeky-white-man-hating Norteño taggers

d) fearless, forward-thinking media personality Dog Bites and fearless, forward-thinking Supervisor Gavin Newsom

16. Please enter the number of drive-by shootings and drug deals that have occurred within a four-block radius of your residence over the past year: ______________

17. Please enter the number of buildings within a two-block radius of your residence which have been remodeled or have received a tasteful paint job over the past year. Do not include converted SRO hotels or buildings from which low-income tenants have been evicted: _____

18. Divide the number from item 16 by the number entered in item 17. This is your livability ratio. Enter it here: ______

19. Please briefly list activities in which you have participated that have served to enhance the city's culture and livability. Do not include unproductive protest marches or drugged, escapist circle-jerks in Nevada.

20. For Don Johnson only: Please, mister, take off the shades after dark and do something about that hair. Otherwise, we're really sorry, but you'll have to leave.

Thank you for completing the San Francisco Residential Validity Application. The Mission Community Task Force Working Group Coalition will contact you within four weeks on the status of your application.

About The Author

Laurel Wellman

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