Dog Bites

Gentrification, or ...
Is it possible the lull in hostilities over San Francisco's changing demographics might be more than temporary? Why, just this weekend a fellow partygoer opined to Dog Bites that, really, "the whole Mission thing is pretty much over."

Well, maybe -- though our own Kevin Keating, aka Nestor Makhno, who made an appearance on Politically Incorrect Tuesday night, is still getting some mileage out of it. "They wanted me to go on and defend the Unabomber," he told us. "I didn't want to, so they're going to have me debate some Republican from Florida instead. But I'm hoping I'll be able to get into some of the real issues."

Keating confessed he's new to the whole game, though: "Until like a week ago, I didn't even have a TV," he said. Nonetheless, we're sure he'll be pleased to see that Dog Bites has received the following friendly note:

At tonight's meeting of the Gentrification Acceleration Project, someone pointed out that we've gone the whole year without getting around to writing you. The sad truth is that this week between Xmas and Y2K is the first time one or another of us hasn't had an IPO happening. You know how those are.

But anyway, yes, we at GAP are the folks who've decided that the problem with gentrification in San Francisco is obvious: It isn't happening fast enough.

You've seen our flyers in the Mission identifying specific models of old, beat-up cars, calling on residents who spot these vehicles parked in their neighborhoods to take matters into their own hands andclean them up, even fixing scratches or repainting them if necessary. You've seen our pamphlets targeting specific restaurants for guerilla renovation, so we aren't forced to stand in line at Blowfish and Zuni. But we're also taking it to City Hall: GAP demands that Willie stop pandering to his arts-and-crafts cronies, and instead provide more space for business incubators and Internet co-location sites right here in our neighborhoods.

Too many Mission residents feel they're being pushed out by dot-com yuppies and e-biz expansion. GAP is hoping that through our crusade, San Franciscans of all genders, races, nationalities, and cultures will hear the message the whole e-biz industry has been trying to send them for the past two years. That message is:We're hiring.

Never before has so much money been thrown at so many people with so little talent. Flip through the "Way New Economy 2.0" section of the magazine rack at the Safeway on 16th, and you'll see that becoming an e-zillionaire doesn't require white male chromosomes, technological savvy, a business background, or (judging by the ads) English. It's mostly a matter of showing up. That and saying "value proposition" a lot. We'll help you with that.

But we need to act fast. Every San Franciscan who wastes a single minute bitching about Starbucks instead of filing a business plan is letting some delirious investor's dollars go to New York, Seattle, or Oakland instead. Look: even if you want to remain some sort of untainted artist, the best boost you can give your career is a set of newly rich neighbors. Send 'em on over. We've got their resumes already written.

Ta,
Trey
T.R. "Trey" Charmant
President
Gentrification Acceleration Project
treycharmant@hotmail.com

... Urban Renewal?
Nobody loves an hourlong ensemble cast drama more than Dog Bites, so imagine our excitement when we learned of he-man novelist Po Bronson's plans for a television series about a group of young Internet entrepreneurs working at a South of Market start-up, tentatively titled South Park. Of course, we immediately contacted Bronson, begging for details, and after a pause of several days he e-mailed back, noting that he "really enjoys" this column -- nervous, huh? -- before declining to answer questions at this point.

Oh well. Meanwhile, the real South Park, which on sunny days remains the molten center of the city's lucrative e-whatever industry, or in other words a gathering place for 28-year-old Webmasters apparently under the impression that inventive facial hair growth patterns are a substitute for regular exercise (hint: They're not, and you shouldn't be ordering the super burrito), is scheduled for a few changes: The Department of Recreation and Park is getting $2,000 from the California State Parks Foundation to do restoration work in South Park.

Dog Bites called the Parks Foundation's Erika Pringsheim-Moore, who seemed utterly delightedto be receiving an inquiry from the media, and learned that the city plans to spend the money "weeding, edging, and building berms. They're also going to put in fescue on the berms. The idea is to keep the playground there from flooding."

Leaving aside questions of drainage installation -- in which, ordinarily, Dog Bites could find entertainment for hours -- we decided to call one of the country's most sought-after landscape architects, Topher Delaney, who's responsible for some very avant gardens indeed, and who just so happens to have her offices right on South Park, to ask what she'd do if she were in charge of spending the $2,000. Install a dramatic granite fountain with a hidden catchment basin? Add a Henry Moore-ish bronze?