Dog Bites

Headed for the Cheatin' Side of Town
Normally, Dog Bites never calls a man. Quite frankly, why should we? But we made an exception for Silicon Satan, since -- as inexplicable as this is -- he hasn't called us.

Except that, well, we don't have Satan's number, so we had to call the New Mission News in search of him and (total dating nightmare!) explain ourselves to his editor, Victor Miller -- who, several informants have hinted, might in fact be Satan himself.

"It's not me," said Miller. "No, it's not me. And that's the only question I'm answering. I mean, come on, does that picture look like me?"

Well, actually, the picture looks an awful lot like Bill Gates with a black bar over his eyes, we pointed out, before asking if Satan is male or female. "No, you only get one question," Miller insisted. "You'll eliminate half the population. All I can say is that Mr. Satan hands in his -- well, oops, I guess I gave it away there -- he hands in his column once a month. He doesn't bare his soul to me."

Okay, so let's cut to the chase: Is he cute?

"He's a guy, so I don't have a cute monitor," retorted Miller.

And what does he do besides being a highly paid writer for Miller's paper? "I get uncomfortable using the words pay and writer in the same sentence," said Miller. "He's in the industry."

So is he, like, a software developer, or a VC, or some kind of e-commerce dweeb mogul? "I can't say," Miller replied. "But I think the reason he can't go on a date with you is that Mrs. Satan put her foot -- well, actually, her hoof -- down."

Mrs. Satan? Wait a minute -- Silicon Satan is married? That creep. We can't believe he strung us along this way! God, we should have seen through all that stuff about Nestor Makhno and his SUV's paint job. Oh, why, why, why?

Well, that's it, Satan: It's over. No more little notes, no more coy exchanges. And we hope your wife throws you out on your lying, reactionary ass. We would. In fact, recovering from this disappointment is probably going to take us an entire evening at home with a bag of miniature marshmallows, the Garnet Hill catalog, and Starship Troopers, though, as always, in public we will grit our teeth and pretend everything is fine.

"I'll tell Mr. Satan you called," said Miller.

Making Books
We are pleased to announce that the Spot The Chronicle Book contest has a winner, and would also like to thank Otto for this kind note: "Thanks for your continued and pointed barbs at Chronicle Books. They are an embarrassment to San Francisco, America, and book publishing in general. They should change their name to Chronicle Products."

Saa -- aay.

We can't be the only ones suddenly struck by the vision of a vast and profitable new line of Chronicle merchandise. In fact, we don't know what Nion could be waiting for! Think wisteria-scented candles! Chrome martini sets! Tasteful black-and-white photographic prints! Boxed collections of aromatherapy bath oils! Exclusive condiments from Sonoma! Amaryllis bulbs in hand-thrown pots! Whimsical appointment calendars! Greeting cards! Stamp kits! Oh... wait.

Anyway, first some of the, uh, losers: Several readers guessed that all the titles were actual Chronicle books, while Erin Pierce (great Web site, Erin!) wrote, "I think all the book titles are fictional. You invented them all. Clever...."

Many readers were stumped by Couscous: Fresh and Flavorful Contemporary Recipes. Surprise! It's an actual book, as are Dude Food: Recipes for the Modern Guy and Airstream: History of the Land Yacht. (Hints for future contest entrants: Carefully study the Chronicle aesthetic. Pretty much anything to do with men cooking, barbecuing, smoking cigars, shaving, road trips, making cocktails, or, you know, just being men, in the '50s sense, is Chronicle material. Quel irony! And don't feel too badly -- we wouldn't have believed anyone could have gotten an entire book out of the tiara, either.)

In the interests of disclosure, we must reveal that Dog Bites is still stewing over not having a Chronicle deal ourselves, especially since we have so many ideas, and could really use the advance money. Anyway, the winner of a pair of Styx tickets -- or, actually, a copy of The Volkswagen Bug Book: A Celebration of Beetle Culture -- is Jesse King, who correctly identified Blush On: Cool Cosmetics of the 1960s and 70s, Blossoms in Water: A Celebration of Tea, and The Heirloom Tomato Book as pure invention. Well done, Jesse!

Estimated Time to IKEA: 84 Days!
We really had hoped this column would have more hard news in it, but, well -- things just didn't work out that way. So in order to atone for this dearth of actual facts, Dog Bites called IKEA HQ in Philadelphia to get more specifics on the store's opening date plans. And was the company's PR department happy to hear from us! And did we get a scoop! (Take that, Chronicle home section!)