Dog Bites

Taking the Fun Out of Fort Funston; A Tale of Two Cities (and One Swedish Furniture Emporium); Spin the Bottle?

Because that's reporting! That's our lifeblood! Well, sort of. We called Davis, but though he left us a message, actually speaking with him proved elusive, so we called Redmond. Sounding very excited, the managing editor denied the rumor. "I haven't had a birthday party since my 40th, and that was two years ago, when my wonderful domestic partner threw me one," he exclaimed. "Tell Jack I wish he would throw me a party!"

Then we interviewed our own very charming Free Will Astrology columnist (and San Rafael native) Rob Brezsny, whose new book The Televisionary Oracle is in stores now. "I was on the Channel 2 morning show," Brezsny told us. "It was great, but they told me ahead of time I couldn't mention menstruation [one of the comic novel's recurring themes] because it was too gross."

Next we picked up a voice mail from a man claiming to have worked as a sculptor for more than 25 years, who said the sculpture of Willie Mays in the plaza in front of the new Giants stadium is actually made of a core of styrofoam covered in a proprietary epoxy putty called Sculpt-Epox. "The putty breaks down when exposed to UV radiation," he said. "The statue is 30 feet high. As the material breaks down, the whole thing will weaken, which could create a public health hazard, because pieces of the statue could fall off and hit pedestrians or children. At most it's only going to last up to 10 years."

Dog Bites was sort of excited, because if the statue is 30 feet high that would make us somewhere in the neighborhood of 14 feet tall ourselves, which would mean that we'd unnecessarily ruled out a career in professional basketball. Just to be sure, though, we called Giants PR person Staci Slaughter to check on the statue's composition and size. "It's solid clay and it's fully bronzed," she said. "It's 7 feet high and sits on a 5-foot-tall granite base. It weighs 40,000 pounds."

It's amazing to us how PR people keep all these facts in their heads; Dog Bites can't even be trusted to walk three blocks to the grocery store without a list. No wonder PR gals are so popular with men!

Unfortunately, by the time we'd sorted all this out, it was too late for us to follow up on a further rumor that Tim Redmond is made of a styrofoam core covered in epoxy, and will slowly decay as he's exposed to ultraviolet radiation, posing a threat to pedestrians and children. But be sure to pick up Dog Bites next week!

Tip Dog Bites -- especially if you're disgruntled. Phone 536-8139; fax 777-1839; e-mail dogbites@sfweekly.com.

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