Modern Manners

What is etiquette? I think many people who cringe at the word have been the victims of etiquette used as a weapon, which is antithetical to its true purpose. The person who belittles you for using the wrong utensil, saying an accidentally inappropriate thing, or committing some unintentional blunder is employing very bad manners indeed. Etiquette in its true sense exists to make our dealings with other human beings -- if not always pleasant -- at least bearable. Codes of etiquette should ease social and personal interaction, and can make awkward situations less so. It's not simply about using the correct fork at the correct time (although that isan interesting part of it). Etiquette gives you an agreed-upon way to communicate respect for other people and for your community. Additionally, social rules have roots in the past, and modified as they may be in modern times, they connect us with history and weave us more firmly into the fabric of society.

"Etiquette" comes from a French word that means "ticket" or "label." In the court of Louis XIV, social manners were so elaborate and complicated that the king's visitors were given a card, une étiquette,that listed the rules of conduct they were expected to observe. The word when used in English has come to mean a way of public behavior considered to be correct. People don't like to be told what is and isn't "correct." But frankly, I think they hear far too little in that vein. Anyone who's spent any time on our local public-transportation systems might agree with me. Our lives would be much easier if we were all issued cards that explained how to behave in San Francisco's elaborate, complicated, and wonderfully diverse communities.

I have great faith in the power of good manners, and in my heart I have to believe that most people want to act correctly -- they just weren't taught how to do so. And before they have an understanding of the underlying principles of good manners, they reject these principles on the grounds that they are arbitrary rules or simply tools that snobs use to keep "lower classes in their place." But good manners are free and available to everyone. The fundamental basis of proper behavior has always been kindness and consideration for others. You may not yet know where to put your butter knife when you're not using it, but if you remember that the foundation of good manners is respectful concern for your fellow life forms, you won't go too far astray. And how to use eating utensils is something you can, and should, learn -- and not only so you'll have one less thing to worry about at your next dinner party.

That's where Social Grace comes in. I'm here to help. Each week in my column I will address questions from readers, and open discussion to some of etiquette's fine -- and not so fine -- points. I intend to help readers find reason and rhyme behind seemingly random "rules." San Franciscans are prone to iconoclasm like dachshunds are prone to back problems, and we like to think the rules don't apply to us. Well, in fact they do, perhaps especially to us. Etiquette protects individuality and works to ensure that everyone -- socialists, Republicans, drag queens, rabbis, dot-commers -- is treated with equal respect and knows how to display that respect for others.

And as important as individual expression and comfort are, if you show up at Masa's in flip-flops and proceed to spend your meal taking calls on your cell phone, your date isn't going to see a comfortable, expressive individual. He or she is going to see a rude nincompoop. Knowing the rules only benefits you. Knowing the rules' foundations helps you reinterpret them and apply them to new situations in a fast-changing, multicultural society. It's understood, of course, that in etiquette matters, the intent of the law takes precedent over the letter of the law. But ignorance of the law won't excuse a violation -- not when the laws are so easy to learn. (If you can learn to operate a car, to build a Web page, or to assemble a futon, you can learn good manners. You can even learn to employ them while operating a car, building a Web page, or assembling a futon.)

Dining is an area of special concern to me. Like many San Franciscans, I'm a "food person," intensely concerned with the preparation, presentation, and consumption of meals. The etiquette pitfalls in this area are myriad; but again, there is an underlying principle that will help guide you when you're unsure about a certain detail. To put it generally, well-mannered diners endeavor not to disgust, annoy, startle, or amaze other diners, restaurant staff, and passers-by. It sounds so simple, but I've been witness to some gross gaffes, as I'm sure most of us have. Why do they happen? Because etiquette has been rejected as unimportant. Rules that used to ensure a pleasant dining experience for all have been summarily rejected as "elitist" or just "inconvenient." But they haven't been replaced with a new system of protection.