Social Grace

Mr. Evil; Forking Pizza; Old-fashioned Gentleman

Dear Social Grace,
When in a social situation with a group of people who are not intimate friends, what is the best way for a man to excuse himself to go to the bathroom? "I need to go to the bathroom" sounds terribly crude. "Little boys' room" sounds juvenile. "Restroom" sounds very formal. I await your advice.
Best regards,
Les R. Evil

Dear Mr. Evil,
The best way for a man to excuse himself so he may, ahem, avail himself of the facilities (or make a phone call, sip discreetly from his hip flask, or check his company's stock price on his personal wireless Internet device) is to say, "Please excuse me." He's not obligated to give a detailed report of his planned activities while he's away from the dinner table or conversation. We get the picture: He needs to be alone for a moment -- that's all we need or care to know.

Perhaps you need to find the [insert euphemism here], and you're unsure what term to use. In a public place, such as a restaurant, I'd ask an employee for the location of the "men's room" (or "women's room," as the case may be); in a private home, I think your best bet is asking for directions to the ... bathroom. (Again, you needn't tell your hostess exactly what you're going to dothere, or that you're going to "use it.") But if you just can't bear to say the b-word, I'd suggest taking a cue from some women -- who for years have been excusing themselves to "powder their noses" as cover for everything from natural bodily functions to assassination attempts -- and asking your host if there's somewhere you could "wash your hands."

Seriously, "bathroom" is not a crude word. Real estate agents and landlords (though their behavior is not to be employed as a gauge in every situation) use it all the time. While society as we know it would cease to exist without euphemisms, well-mannered behavior does not preclude plain speech. A properly used euphemism spares us offensive or unpleasant details while not elevating something, such as a restroom visit, to something it's not -- namely, in this case, cause for comment.

Dear Social Grace,
My girlfriend and I recently helped a friend of hers move. As "thanks" the friend ordered pizza for us and brought out a six-pack. When the pizza arrived, she made a big deal out of locating knives and forks and washing them for us to use while eating the pizza. She then proceeded to eat her pizza with a knife and fork, very daintily. My girlfriend also used the utensils to eat her pizza, and she gave me a "look" that said, "Use the damn fork to eat the pizza, buffoon." So I did. Normally, my girlfriend and I eat pizza with our hands, but is it proper etiquette to eat pizza with a fork? I say that it's always OK to eat pizza with your hands. My girlfriend says that formal pizza requires utensils. I say her friend was being a prig. My girlfriend says I have bad manners. Who is right?
Forking Pizza

Dear Mr. Pizza,
Oh, my goodness. And pizza is supposed to be a happy food. Let me see if I can settle your argument this way: You and your girl-

friend are both incorrect. Eating pizza with your hands (holding a wedge-shaped piece in your fingers, with the sides curled up to avoid dropping any toppings) is perfectly acceptable. There's no such thing as "formal pizza" -- people in evening dress are rarely served pizza. And if they are, it's usually called something else -- for example, "Tuscan focaccia with sun-dried tomatoes and goat cheese." That you might eat with a knife and fork.

And your girlfriend's friend was not a "prig." Some people are more comfortable using utensils to eat pizza, and that's OK, too. Pizza can be a messy food, and sometimes a huge piece of pizza with heavy toppings and a soggy crust is best eaten with a knife and fork, the better to avoid spilling tomato sauce all over your nice clean floors. I'm sure your hostess provided you with utensils in case you wished to use them, not to force you to use them.

I want you and your girlfriend to apologize to each other right now and go someplace nice for dinner.

Dear Social Grace,
I am a straight man. I work for a small company in San Francisco. It's a fairly informal work environment, and I manage a team of several people. Recently, I was reprimanded by a woman, "Laura," on my team for telling another woman team member, "Jennifer," that she looked nice. Those were my exact words: "Jennifer, you look nice today." Later, Laura took me aside and told me that a comment like that could be construed as sexual harassment, and that it was inappropriate for the workplace.

I know that Laura is right, but I feel that this is political correctness gone too far. When did it become improper to tell a person that he or she looked nice? I certainly don't want to get sued, but I feel that gentlemanly manners are being swept away by asinine new rules about what can and can't be said in the workplace. My intentions were purely friendly and to build good feelings among the team. Isn't there some way I can be a gentleman and not worry about a lawsuit? Do the new etiquette rules require me to be ungentlemanly?
Old-fashioned Gentleman

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