Best Ass-Grabbing

This never actually happened, because touching strangers' behinds is illegal and wrong. But if it had, and if someone wanted to replicate the experience, this is how she would do it: Get to the Top (a Lower Haight DJ/dance bar) early, snag the lone table on the smallish, empty dance floor, then chill until around 11:30 or so. Slowly but surely, a growing number of shimmying, waggling asses will encircle you -- male asses, female asses, the Top is the kind of place where this doesn't have to matter -- but anyway, you'll find yourself surrounded by a veritable wall of asses, all of them just waiting to be ... grabbed. Not that anyone did this, as we said. But if she had, hypothetically, what might have happened is, the crowd might have gravitated toward that side of the room as the night wore on, the result -- in theory, at least, and we deny every word of it -- of a delicate, female touch.