Dear Social Grace,
As a European, I was taught to eat with a knife and fork and to keep my hands in sight, wrists at table edge, or elbows on table surface. However, I notice that in this country most Americans have done away with the knife altogether (unless eating, for instance, steak), using instead the fork tines to both spear and cut. We can always identify the Americans at a restaurant by seeing whose left hand droops on their lap, who doesn't use a knife, etc. How can I broach this subject to invitees to my country home this summer without seeming like avieille école snob? I know most Americans don't even know that their table manners are considered atrociously porcine at best in Europe, but I wanted to save my friends from being snickered and sneered at behind their backs, by teaching them a few table-manner basics. (When in Rome, do as the Romans do.) However, I don't want to offend their robust American pride by pointing out their barnyard animal eating style.
Please advise.
Sincerely,
John Noble
Dear Mr. Noble,
Barnyard? Porcine? First things first: I must ask you to refrain from so labeling the table manners of an entire nation, lest you offend my robust American pride.
You've observed that some Americans operate utensils differently than some Europeans do; however, you're under the (commonly held by old-school snobs but nevertheless) incorrect assumption that one way is better. The "American" way of using a knife and fork (holding a fork in the right hand and switching hands when a knife is required) is perhaps more complicated than what we often call the "Continental" way (holding a fork in the left hand and using a knife to maneuver food onto it), but it is not incorrect, though I think it's rapidly being replaced by the more streamlined, less conservative Continental method. Many Americans have also learned that resting their hands or arms on a table is impolite, and in many situations it is (in some European countries, too), though some consider this rule old-fashioned and severe.
You raise a valid point: Travelers should be aware of proper etiquette in the countries they visit. It's up to them to learn the basics. However, in some cases, asking travelers to adopt all customs is impossible. Some people can't operate chopsticks, say. Some can't comfortably hold forks in their left hands. And some find the manners of the countries they visit somehow unacceptable and decide to overlook them.
On a recent trip to Thailand, I learned that many Thais traditionally employ a fork as a "food-moving" utensil only; they consider our habit of putting forks in our mouths rather coarse. I didn't learn this until the third day of my visit (this information was not in my guidebook) -- because my hosts waited until I asked. I hope I didn't unwittingly offend anyone, but my hosts understood that people used utensils differently in my country. Yes, using a fork as a cutting tool is sometimes incorrect, but well-mannered people forgive minor table-manner transgressions and differences that occur for reasons of ignorance or foreignness. I won't forgive, however, "snickering and sneering" at anyone -- certainly the only "atrocious" behavior you describe in your letter and the only behavior I'd attempt to correct in a friend.
Dear Social Grace,
My father and stepmother will be celebrating their 10th anniversary this year (they are both in their late 60s). My sister and I would like to throw them a big anniversary party for all their friends and family to attend, but my stepmother says that you can't make a really big party out of an anniversary unless it's the silver (the 25th) or the golden (the 50th). Is this true? If so, how big a party can I throw? It seems ridiculous to wait for 15 more years -- when they may be too old to enjoy the party. I can't find the answer to this specific question anywhere, and we'll be convinced either way if we see something in print.
Via the Internet
Dear Sir or Madam,
Although the golden wedding anniversary is traditionally celebrated on a grander scale than others, that definitely doesn't mean that any anniversary can't be celebrated to the degree that best suits a couple or situation. Expecting many couples to wait for 25 or 50 years before celebrating their union would, in fact, be ridiculous. (We are not going to punish people who get married later in life, say, by withholding parties from them.) There: It's in print. You should make sure that your stepmother genuinely wants a "big party," though, and isn't simply looking for any excuse to stop your plans in that direction.
Dear Social Grace,
Summer is upon us, and I need your help preparing for the annual onslaught of weekend, overnight, and holiday guests that invade San Franciscans' homes every year. We (my girlfriend and I) live in a one-bedroom apartment. When we have overnight guests, is it our obligation as "good hosts" to put guests in our bedroom, which is more comfortable and has a better bed, or is it all right to put them in the living room, which has a futon couch/bed that is serviceable but nothing fancy? My girlfriend and I disagree on this point.
