Dear Social Grace,
At a bar recently, I came across a group of acquaintances. While speaking to them, I made a dumb joke about a certain group of people -- and then proceeded to make many stupid comments about said group of people (completely oblivious to the terrified looks of my friends) before heading off on my merry way. I learned later that a woman who was present was a proud member of that group of people I'd gone on about. This woman now thinks I'm a complete as*hole. What do I do? I didn't mean what I said. I'd been drinking, and I wasn't thinking at all. I was just joking. I didn't mean any harm.
Sincerely,
Accidentally Offensive
Dear Offensive Sir,
The word as*hole is certainly not a word I would use, but I might pick a similar one to describe a person who insults a group of people and then claims that he is "just joking" in an attempt to excuse his odious behavior.
What to do? My good man, you apologize.You fall to your knees, tear at your hair, and begfor forgiveness from this woman -- whom you've publicly humiliated. I'd hope this course of action would be self-evident. Without making too many excuses (which dilutes the effectiveness of an apology), tell her that you are sorry. Try to explain to her that you realize the things you said were idiotic and inexcusable and that you hope she can find it in her heart to forgive you. You might even put it in writing. And you are to forgive her if she treats you warily for some time to come. She has good reason.
Your letter illustrates nicely just how dangerous "joking" about others can be. If you wouldn't tell a "joke" about someone if that person were present, it's not a joke. It's an insult.
Dear Social Grace,
I'll bet you're one of those ridiculous people who eats fried chicken with a knife and fork, but occasionally I must do business with ridiculous people over meals (and when in Rome, do as the Romans do, etc.), so I ask you this: How does one eat the huge pieces of greenery that invariably turn up in salads? Is it not correct to cut them with a knife and fork? I feel people looking at me strangely.
Via the Internet
Dear Madam or Sir,
I'm sorry to disillusion you, but I have, in fact, been known to eat fried chicken with my fingers. As I'm rarely served fried chicken in a highly formal atmosphere, this shouldn't have any effect on my status as a ridiculous (or as I prefer to say, well-mannered) individual. There is nothing impolite about eating a piece of chicken with one's fingers, given the right context -- and that's part of what table manners are about: context. Table manners exist in part so that we might eat in a way that is sensitive to other people's comfort. This sensitivity prohibits us from making too much of a mess with our meal at the dinner table -- but at a picnic, say, rules are, of course, relaxed (this is why fun foods such as fried chicken and corn on the cob are more often served at picnics than at affairs of state).
The standard way to eat a cut of meat prepared on the bone is to use your knife and fork. If it's contextually appropriate (i.e., you're dining with close friends or your family), you may use your fingers to eat the last bit left on the bone -- though I think many would agree that it looks better not to. I wouldn't do so when eating with my sweetheart or my new boss (or any other "ridiculous" person). In answer to your question: Uncontrollably large pieces of lettuce can correctly be cut with a fork or with a knife and fork. If people are looking at you strangely, it might be for some other reason.
Dear Social Grace,
Is using Caller ID rude? I use a Caller ID box, and if I don't recognize the number or especially if the number is blocked, I let the call ring through to voice mail. I recently heard this practice described as rude. What does Social Grace say?
Sincerely,
Private Caller
Dear Private,
Unless you're at work and your job is to answer the phone, I don't think this is at all a rude practice. Recently, while speaking with a friend (incidentally one of the most charming people I know) about this modern problem, she gave me a nice analogy: If someone knocked on your door and gave a name you did not know -- or refused to tell you his or her name at all -- would you answer the door?
In the business world, assistants and secretaries have been acting as caller identifiers for years. (We know that Mr. Mogul and Ms. CEO weren't always in meetings when we phoned, right?)
I think Caller ID is a fine gadget. I'm glad to know that I'm being announced when I call someone -- and although I hope he is falling all over himself to get to the phone, I understand if he's too busy to do so. I don't know why a person would want to block her own number, unless she has disagreeable intentions. I might even say that that borders on impolite behavior.
