Dear Social Grace,
I purchase takeout meals at neighborhood pizza parlors and Chinese restaurants about once a week. It had never occurred to me to leave a tip when I picked up my order, but recently I noticed that a friend of mine tipped 10 percent when she picked up some food at one of her local joints. Have I been incorrect all this time? Please help me -- I want to do the right thing!
Kinsey M.
Dear Kinsey,
Tipping is a way of saying thank you ... with money. Now, Social Grace is solidly in favor of both gratitude and cash; however, as far as etiquette is concerned, we are not obligated to tip at a takeout counter. You might liken takeout food to food picked up at the market -- there's no tipping at Safeway (yet); the produce clerks, baggers, and cashiers must toil in our service with only their paychecks as reward.
We are, however, obligated to say thank you verbally. I'm sure you do, but I fear that some are using large tips as a way to buy their way out of politeness. I've heard many people say that being treated with courtesy is just as important as a couple of extra dollars, and having put in some time behind a long white apron -- long ago -- I feel qualified to agree.
Let's say tipping at the takeout counter is at the customer's discretion. Nevertheless, many employers are taking advantage of Americans' natural generosity -- and predisposition to tip if told it's correct -- and have come up with the "tip jar." I think these employers are paying their employees much less than they should, factoring tip receipt into their calculations of a fair wage. For this reason, I find the newly ubiquitous tip jars rather unpleasant, but hard to resist (I like to think of those nice kids at Tully's receiving a fair wage and having a little bit of pocket money at the end of the day). Tip jars do not yet have tradition on their side, so we're all unsure how to use them, but I feel a tip of a dollar or so for good counter service is often appropriate.
Dear Social Grace,
I am to be married in a few months. I'm preparing to order invitations, and my future husband and I are trying to decide how to make it clear that we don't want children to attend the wedding and reception. Many of our guests are from a different culture in which they are welcome (even expected) to bring their children wherever they are invited.
Here are our ideas, and we wonder which is more polite: On the reply card, put a line saying something like "Number of guests invited, 2; number of guests attending ___." Or on the invitation, simply put a line that says "No children, please" or something like that.
Sincerely,
Blushing Bride
Dear Bride,
Oh, dear. I have to choose one of those alternatives? Maybe you and your sweetheart could just live together.
I'm going to excuse your guests for not being familiar with American invitation etiquette, but for the benefit of the class, I'll issue a reminder that wedding invitations are meant only for the people named on the invitation. And allow me to sigh regretfully over the fact that we are reduced to sending reply cards with invitations, that we can't count on our friends and family to reply to a wedding invitation.
We as a society are firmly against putting prohibitive declarations on invitations (it just doesn't seem very hospitable), so I'm going to veto your second choice right away. And while your other alternative seems sensible (at first), imagining people filling in the invitation you describe gave me a shudder (Number of guests invited, 2; number of guests attending ... 5).
In your situation, I might gently explain to your guests, perhaps by phone or in a separate letter, what your invitation means. Maybe a family member who understands both cultures could help you out here. It will be an awkward conversation to have with someone who might not understand why children wouldn't be invited to a wedding, but it won't be nearly as awkward as the situations and misunderstandings that either of your proposed solutions might result in.
Dear Social Grace,
I love my home and take pride in keeping it in pristine condition. I have white carpet on my floors and don't like shoes inside my house. It's quite embarrassing to ask a guest to remove his shoes before entering. What is the proper way to get my point across without stepping on someone's toes?
Sincerely,
Mr. Clean
Dear Sir,
Yes, it is quite embarrassing to ask guests to remove their shoes before entering your home, but you've made an important decision: The "pristine" condition of your white carpet is more important to you than the absolute comfort of your guests. I suggest either keeping your home entertaining at something of an intimate level or getting darker-colored carpets.
A colleague of mine who, because of the culture in which she was raised, doesn't like to have shoes in her apartment, keeps a small supply of inexpensive slip-on sandals and fuzzy house shoes, in various sizes, in a closet by her door. When guests arrive, she offers them a pair to wear while in her apartment. I think this is a graceful way to handle the situation; a person with torn socks or shamefully chipped toenail polish will be spared any embarrassment he or she might feel at exposing his or her feet. After all, many people go out into the world every day without expecting to remove their shoes in company.
