Dear Social Grace,
I recently joined several friends for dinner at a trendy restaurant in San Francisco. One of my dinner companions was an older (to me) woman. I am a man. The woman I am speaking of got up from the table several times to chat with friends at neighboring tables. Each time she stood, I stood. Each time she returned, I stood. It certainly hampered my enjoyment of my meal, and I felt more than a little ridiculous, as I was the only man at our table who was bobbing up and down like a jack-in-the-box.
Is it still necessary to stand each time a woman stands? I want some practical guidelines here.
WOK
Richmond
Dear Richmond Sir,
The first item on our agenda is a gentle reminder, addressed to many who should know better: Table-hopping during a meal has always been bad form. Although we generally cloak our communal meals in levity and nonchalance, eating with a group of people is important business. Interrupting meals and intruding on meals has always been (and still is) very impolite. And remaining at the table until all have finished eating is an important mealtime ritual.
When we well-mannered folks encounter people we know in a restaurant, it's most polite to keep greetings brief (long-lost loves are, of course, excepted) rather than interrupt others' dinners for any significant amount of time, unless we are invited to join the party.
We avoid table-hopping in part because the standing rule is -- yes -- still in effect. Gentlemen stand for a lady, they stand for an older or otherwise estimable person, and they can stand for anyone else they want to impress with an extra measure of respect or chivalry. I know people who stand for everyone who approaches their tables. And why not? It's never impolite to stand for someone, but it might be so to remain seated.
The fact that many socially unaware folks are not practicing the rule does not make it any less valid, and will not excuse you if you fail to stand for someone who expects that treatment. Of course, at an intimate dinner with friends who've reached a comfortable level of casual behavior, you might decide to do away with this dignified routine. And in a business environment, it is most correct to treat men and women equally -- therefore, you stand for a superior in your company or an honored guest, whether the person is a man or a woman. If you cannot stand up for reasons of ability, a symbolic raising of the torso or nod of the head will do just as nicely.
Women (and others) who do not find this sort of behavior appealing (and women who find themselves repeatedly jumping up from dinner tables, causing groups of people to bounce up and down like a Whack-A-Mole game) are asked to say politely, "Please don't get up." In this case (or if it is impossible to stand without overturning the table) a gentleman should remain seated.
Dear Social Grace,
My husband and I were recently invited to dinner by a dear friend, and we readily accepted. Afterward, we learned that this friend had also invited his girlfriend's entire dysfunctional and amoral family, people we abhor. I want to cancel, but my husband insists that we attend, saying that to give an excuse now would be rude (and obvious). Although I'd sooner cut my wrists, I'll probably go, rather than have a row over it. For future reference, is there a polite way to avoid accepting or declining an invitation until you know who else might be attending? And how do you go about asking?
Sandbagged
Dear Sandbagged Madam,
First, your husband is correct. As much as I hate to think of anyone slitting her wrists over a dinner party, I must inform you that once an invitation to dine has been accepted, only a genuine emergency or illness is reason enough to change a "yes" to a "no." (Of course, lying is another obvious option -- not one I recommend, by any means, but we each make our own little deals with the devil.)
Second, I'm sorry to tell you there is no polite way to put off deciding whether or not to attend an event until you've been apprised of the guest list -- because that just isn't a polite thing to do. There is no right way to ask a host for that information. It's insulting to suggest that a friend's hospitality isn't completely enjoyable and sincerely appreciated, however unpleasant his girlfriend's parents.
Can't you try to look on attending this dinner party (and behaving with the necessary minimum of politeness to people you find personally repugnant) as a good deed of sorts? It's probable that you're doing your friend a huge favor; he probably doesn't like seeing these amoral people any more than you do. And if you try, I'll bet you can find something enjoyable about the evening -- a lovely centerpiece, say, or well-balanced meal.
Dear Social Grace,
I know a woman whose good manners made her a scapegoat at her office. She was flawlessly polite and did not participate in office gossip. In return, her co-workers shunned her, did not give her cooperation, and made continuous derogatory comments about her. They said things like "Who the hell does she think she is?" and "She thinks she is so special." What can she do?
