Night Crawler

All the Wammies That Was!

Top Ten Weird and Wonderful Things That Happened at SF WeeklyWammies 2000:

10) Members of 401K accepted their Hard Rock award wearing matching white coveralls bearing the words, "Willie Is a Wiener," and shouting, "Support local music!"

9) After putting on a determined voting campaign and a riotous pre-awards showcase at the Paradise Lounge -- complete with busty dancing girls in large cages and skintight pants -- roughneck rockers Whisky Pills & the PBR Street Gang accepted their Americana award with strangely demure disaffection.

8) As the crowd regaled former Mabuhay Gardens booker and continuing scalawag Dirk Dirksen with shouts of "Fuck you!" the awards presenter calmly explained that he was still reaping the rewards of sex promised to him 20 years ago, thank you very much, and proceeded to unsheathe the old Dirksen wit on audience and nominees alike.

7) During its pre-awards showcase, punk Wammies winners Barbee Killed Kenn incited a pit in the typically laid-back, fireplace-accented, upstairs lounge at the Paradise. Amid the flying fists, tumbling cocktail tables, and Catholic-schoolgirl vulgarities, singer Diana huffed and cooed provocatively from under her disheveled pink wig, "All that testosterone ... I know it's hard to be-have with all that splooge packed up inside of you."

6) Felonious accepted its Hip Hop award with a remarkable display of human beatbox and scratching skills.

5) Bemused and surprised, the Ass Baboons of Venus gathered the Beyond award, a write-in category for the group that most completely defies categorization. They deserve it and they know it. Clap your hands.

4) During their grand finale of "God Bless America," 1999 Wammies winners the Phantom Surfers created a freaky stage spectacle, including bare-breasted ladies wearing gorilla and chicken heads and a fat suit called the "Tassel Twirling Tessie," while balloons, toilet paper, sparklers, and American flags rained down from the stage.

3) While accepting the Rock award, members of Blue Period discovered the person posing as their singer, Adrian Roberts, was, in fact, gender illusionist Patty O. Furniture. A heated chase ensued as Miss Furniture made away with the coveted Wammies trophy-lamp. At press time, we were still un- sure as to the whereabouts of the real Adrian Roberts.

2) The legendary Meters percussionist Zigaboo Modeliste accepted his award for best Funk band, saying, "I've never won anything in my life before."

1) And the No. 1 strangest thing that has everhappened at a Wammies event: During Sparrow's Point's pre-awards showcase -- right after the confetti-cannon and smoke-machine detonation, and right before singer Sean Cip's suspended crucifixion from the club ceiling -- a broken drumstick flew through the crowd, impaling the lip and gums of shocked Amoeba booker Kara Lane. The drumstick was quickly removed from her face (by me) and the bleeding stopped in due course. A valiant music lover, Lane was seen later with a bag of ice on her mouth cheering on the Slow Poisoners. Lane reports that she is recovering nicely and proud to be possessor of the rock 'n' roll story by which all others must now be measured.

Wammies 2000 Winners

Americana/Roots
Whisky Pills & the PBR Street Gang

Hard Rock
401K

Hip Hop
Felonious

International
Orixa

Jazz
Tin Hat Trio

Pop
Oranger

Punk
Barbee Killed Kenn

Rock
Blue Period

Soul/Funk/R&B
Zigaboo Modeliste

Surf/Lounge/Exotica
Shitty Shitty Band Band

Turntablist/DJ
Q-Bert

Beyond
Ass Baboons of Venus

We apologize to Venus Bleeding, who was mistakenly noted as winner of the 1999 Beyond award on our Web site, excluding the group from this year's nomination process.

 
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