Dear Social Grace,
If I were introduced to Jada Pinkett Smith (actress and wife of entertainer Will Smith), would I address her as Ms. or Mrs.? And would it be Ms. Pinkett Smith, Ms. Smith, or Ms. Pinkett? I wouldn't want to get off on the wrong foot with someone so pretty.
Sincerely,
Mr. Just-in-Case
Dear Hopeful Sir,
No, you certainly wouldn't want to do so. I admire your desire to be prepared for meeting lovely celebrities -- and what's more, I can answer this question as it applies to meeting us regular folks as well. The title "Ms." is useful in situations where we don't know whether a woman is married. It's also correctly used in any business situation, though a woman may indicate that she prefers to be called "Mrs." or even "Miss" (by putting the title in parentheses before her signature, for example). In social situations, you should address a married woman as "Mrs." if she uses her husband's last name and as "Ms." if she retains her original name or uses a hyphenated name (for example, Ms. Pinkett or Ms. Pinkett-Smith) -- until she asks you to call her something else. It is traditional practice for a married woman to remake her name as it seems that Jada Pinkett Smith has -- by replacing her middle name with her original last name and adding her husband's name at the end. Pinkett Smith's acting career makes it sensible for her to continue using "Pinkett" when referring to herself; however, in a social situation, you would be quite correct (because we know that she's married -- and doremember that, dear sir) in calling her "Mrs. Smith." If you'll be doing business with her, "Ms. Smith" would be preferable.
Dear Social Grace,
If I receive bad service, I tip lower than if I receive good service. If I receive terrible service, I don't tip at all. Sounds like common sense, right? But how do I make it clear that I'm doing this because I'm disappointed in the service -- rather than because I'm a lousy tipper?
R.
Dear Madam or Sir,
The only situations in which one should withhold tips completely are those in which a maleficent food server or taxi driver has deliberately mistreated you in some unforgivable way. In those cases, you can be sure that the person knows what he or she is doing. He or she has already calculated a tip to be less valuable than satisfying that all-too-human craving to be irredeemably rude and nasty to another person (a craving that well-mannered people strive to overcome).
If you receive service that is simply lackluster or marginally inattentive, it's appropriate to tip the minimum -- that is, 15 to 20 percent in restaurants or a few dollars for a cab, depending on the situation. Tips are a presupposed part of these people's salaries, and withholding tips for acceptable (if mediocre) service is both incorrect and morally wrong. I prefer to assume the best of service professionals -- for example, that my waiter is preoccupied because his brilliant manuscript has been rejected yet again by the evil publishing conspiracy or that my cab driver seems unfriendly because her daughter has gotten her ears pierced without permission. People who work in offices often have less-than-stellar days at work without a noticeable effect on their paychecks.
If you feel that the service you've received at a restaurant is not what it should have been and you want to tip accordingly, it's best to explain to the food server or a manager why you're doing so. If you explain in person, not only will your reputation as a decent tipper be maintained but the problem may even be addressed -- and the food server can avoid making the same mistakes again.
Dear Social Grace,
Do you tip nurses? Or I guess I mean to say, should you?
Grateful to a Nurse
Dear Grateful Madam or Sir,
I don't and I shouldn't. If you want to express gratitude to a nurse, some nice choices are flowers, a plant for the nursing station, or a food item. If you've spent a long time with the nurse and have come to know him or her on a more personal level, you might be able to choose a more individual gift. Nurses employed by you in your home, however, may be given a bonus, like any other household staff.
Dear Social Grace,
I feel as though a close friend has treated me very rudely -- and I just can't find it in myself to forgive her. I want you to tell me if I'm being unreasonable or how I can interpret the situation in a different way. My dear friend "Molly" asked me to be a bridesmaid in her big, elaborate wedding. The bridesmaids' dresses were custom-made for us of imported silk (and were extremely expensive, but that's another issue). I had my dress altered and picked it up a couple days before the wedding. Unfortunately, while I was running some other errands, my car was broken into and my irreplaceable dress was stolen.
I immediately called Molly and apologized profusely for being so careless. It would've been impossible to get a new dress that was exactly right, but I told her that I would do my best to get a dress as close to identical as possible before the wedding. Instead, Molly coldly informed me that, without the dress, I couldn't be in the wedding. I was uninvited from pre-wedding events, and although I attended the wedding as a guest, Molly snubbed me all evening. I was hurt. But after I heard that she'd been bad-mouthing me, saying I ruined her wedding, I got angry.
