Giving, Receiving, Returning

Dear Social Grace,
I would be so grateful if you could suggest a solution for this common etiquette issue! I was married in June, and there are still a number of guests from whom we haven't received gifts. It's just plain weird that we haven't yet received anything from some of these people. I really don't have an issue if they didn't want to send anything at all, I suppose, but I'm worried that maybe some gifts got lost in the mail, misplaced, or misdirected -- and that the guests think we didn't have the graces to thank them for their gifts! I intended on sending a small batch of thank you notes to these people, but how do I subtly say, "Thank you for joining us on our special day. The gift of your presence is more than we could ask for. A number of gifts were misplaced or misdirected, so if you did send us something, please let us know. Otherwise, cheers, and thanks for coming without a gift." Thanks for your advice -- I know I can trust it.

Best Wishes,
Nicole Reynolds

Dear Ms. Reynolds,
Gifts that haven't been received (or that you haven't been told specifically when to expect) should not be commented on. This shouldn't be too difficult, as they don't exist, really, in a tangible way. Your proposed solution might at first sound reasonable -- until you imagine the person who hasn't yet sent a gift (or who didn't send one) receiving that "thank you" note. I think he might feel hustled to get a gift in the mail, despite your cheery "thanks for coming without a gift" -- which might look to a less ingenuous person like "thanks for nothing, cheapo."

It is quite proper for wedding-gift givers, after a few months have elapsed and no thanks have been received, to inquire of the bride and groom if they have gotten their gift. If you're genuinely concerned about misdirected presents, though, I see nothing wrong with sending a nice thank you letter to all your guests. To the ones who did not send gifts, you may thank them for their presence at your wedding. The very fact that you were so polite as to send thanks for their attendance (not strictly necessary, but quite agreeable), but did not mention a gift, should alert gift givers to a potential postal problem.

Dear Social Grace,
When we invite people for dinner, we will usually select wine that goes with the meal. Often, a guest may bring an (unsolicited) bottle of wine. As the host, should I feel obligated to serve their wine over the course of the evening?

Thank you,
Peter Coberly

Dear Mr. Coberly,
In a word, no. Just as a dinner guest is not strictly obligated to bring a gift (though it's generous when he does), a host is not required to share gifts with guests (though it's generous when he does). Etiquette understands that your wine choice may have been carefully considered, and it also insists that providing food and drink for guests is the responsibility of the host. If a guest brings wine as a gift, you may serve it or stash it as you prefer (of course after saying thank you).

It has become something of a tradition in certain circles for guests to bring a bottle of wine to a dinner party. As modern traditions go, this is a pretty good one. But as recently as 30 years ago, etiquette books suggested that the bringing of edibles and drinkables to dinner parties was not to be done -- for one, because it put hosts in the awkward position of not knowing whether to share the gifts.

Dear Social Grace,
Let me set the stage. My sister-in-law recently had her second wedding, to a guy that the family is not too excited about. She didn't invite any family members because of the feelings for the new husband. Though her parents are extremely generous and supportive of her and her daughter, she invited only her new husband's secretary, the minister (who is also her psychologist) and his wife, and her daughter and new stepdaughter.

After the wedding, she called my wife (her sister) and was very upset, screaming for almost an hour, because we didn't send a card or a gift recognizing her marriage. (By the way, she and I do not talk, even when we are at family gatherings.) So were we (are we) obligated to send anything?

Thank you,
Mr. R

Dear Mr. R,
One is not required by law to send a gift to every newly married couple in one's acquaintance. It's traditional to give wedding gifts to family and close friends, especially if one attends the wedding, but etiquette insists that those brides and grooms appreciate the gifts they get -- and ignore the gifts they don't. As it seems that you were not included in the wedding of an estranged family member, your gift liability becomes vague.

That said, if I knew my sister was getting married, I would somehow try to express my warm wishes, regardless of my personal feelings about her intended husband -- as long as my relationship with her wasn't so bad that my warm wishes would be more unwelcome than my silence.