Dear Social Grace,
A longtime friend who has been living in Los Angeles for the past few years has recently announced that he is having a sex-change operation. Another friend has this week sent an invitation to a "shower" for this friend. Although I can't attend, I would like your help in choosing an appropriate gift (if the situation isn't too shocking for you). Needless to say, there aren't any pre-printed cards for such an occasion, and I'm struggling for the correct sentiment.
Proper Friend
Dear Proper Madam or Sir,
Shocked? Yes, I'm shocked -- and amazed that someone hasn't already cornered this potentially lucrative greeting-card market. Perhaps some enterprising copywriter will move to fill the niche. As for finding the correct sentiment, I don't think you could do better than "Congratulations." You should be able to find a pre-printed card that says something along those lines, but a short note you wrote yourself might be even more appreciated.
Shower gifts are intended to help a person adjust to a new life situation, so nothing about the idea of a gender-transitioning shower sounds too shocking to me. Rather, it seems to be a sensible adaptation of an old tradition to modern circumstances. At a baby shower we give gifts that a new family might need; at a bridal shower, gifts for a newly married woman. Combining what you know about shower gifts and what you know about the situation at hand, you should be able to come up with an appropriate present. A gift certificate for a spa-type makeover springs immediately to my mind, but you should suit the gift to your friend's personality.
Dear Social Grace,
Is it incorrect for bridesmaids to wear black at a wedding? A friend has suggested it for her wedding, and frankly, I'd be glad not to have another pink bridesmaid dress in my closet, but my bridal book says black isverboten.
Via the Internet
Dear Madam,
I can see your point -- I myself am much more likely to get future use out of black clothes than out of pink. But wedding attire is about much more than mere fashion. The apparel we don for wedding ceremonies is highly symbolic, and mourning colors -- for many, that means black -- should perhaps be avoided for that reason. What your bride may consider fashionable may look excessively morbid to some guests.
We break with clothing traditions at the risk of confusing others with the signals our clothing sends (I understand that risk may be exactly what this bride is courting). Though recent fashion has made black dresses for a bridal party somewhat common -- in fact, pink might make a bolder statement of iconoclasm in some circles -- I would still gently suggest another color for bridesmaids.
Dear Social Grace,
I've been stressing, lately, over an upcoming family event that I consider, for the most part, a major inconvenience. This August I'm expected to attend a "reunion" with people that I haven't seen in over 30 years; most of them I've actually never met. On top of that, these people are not even blood relatives. They were ("they," by the way, are all deceased except for one individual) instrumental in helping to raise my mother, but were in my life only for a brief few years of early childhood. The people attending will all be second and third cousins of the original clan who were involved in my mother's life. Honestly, there may be, at best, 10 people who I know, or at least know of. Additionally, the expense of making this trip will be a burden on my budget. Finally, I just don't feel like going, just to be surrounded by strangers with whom I have a small thread of history. However, my mother, who feels much more connected to this family than I do, will no doubt insist that I attend, which puts me into a position of obligation and sours the whole equation further. What do you suggest I do?
Signed,
Obedient Son
Dear Obedient Sir,
Although I can't give you a definitive answer here, the way you've signed your letter indicates that a decision -- the one I would recommend -- may have already been reached, if only subconsciously.
Obedience to (and consideration for) parents is an etiquette requirement, but it's more than that. Yes, family is sometimes inconvenient -- a burden, even. (Your mother, having lived through your "terrible twos," can probably attest to this.) But the benefits of having a family, benefits that some folks know only through their lack, are not to be disregarded. Though you don't know many of the people who will attend this reunion, does the fact that your mother considers them important perhaps make them worth knowing?
I have a question you can ask yourself in situations like this: Will the inconvenience I'll experience if I do this be less than my loved one's disappointment if I don't? The answer should inform your actions.
