Dear Social Grace,
Like many people, I work in an office building. I've always been awkward in social situations. Two situations that arise when going to work have bothered me for a long time: 1) The climate here is rather cool year-round in the mornings. When I get on the bus, I see people bundled up in jackets and scarves, but many windows are open. Who is "in charge" of a bus' window -- the person seated nearest it? Once I reached over a person to close a window that was half-open (I know this was rude); he responded by opening it all the way. I was so embarrassed, I moved to the back of the bus. Yet when I ask people if they'd mind closing a window, they respond as if I had some sort of problem. 2) After my stop, it's about a two-block walk to work. I am a naturally fast walker and am likely to pass some work acquaintances on my way. Am I supposed to slow my pace to theirs and walk with them the rest of the way to work and discuss the latest benefit our employer is trying to take away? I usually mutter hello and give a vague wave of my hand; these gestures are probably unheard/unseen. (I'm not too civil in the morning until I've had that first cup of coffee, which I get at work.) I frankly have very little in common with many of these people, other than the fact that we work at the same company. If I were to leave the company, for example, I would never see most of them again unless I ran into them at a mall or something. Thanks very much for your advice.
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed Madam or Sir,
While we sympathize with your need for morning caffeine, I'm afraid the Social Grace Math Quorum isn't going to let a cup of coffee affect this etiquette equation. If you find yourself absolutely unable to be civil without your morning cup, I suggest having it a bit earlier in the day.
Etiquette neither asks that you engage every acquaintance or co-worker you meet on the street in lengthy conversation nor endorses phony bonhomie with colleagues. But muttering and vague gesturing might give the people at your office a rather negative opinion of your personality, and workplace relationships should at least be pleasant. More effective than muttering would be some eye contact and a sunny (or as sunny as you can manage pre-java) "Good morning, Ms. Pert. I'll see you at the office" as you stride purposefully by. You won't lose more than a few seconds on your way to the office coffee pot, and you may find that acting pleasantly will improve your outlook, which, as you indicate, may need uplifting in these increasingly depressing economic times.
As for your first question, public transportation belongs to the public, who are therefore "in charge" of a bus window (failing intervention from the driver, the local voice of authority). Getting along in public involves cooperation, which requires communication. It was impolite to reach over and close the window without acknowledging other passengers' commute-time needs (and the man didn't respond very well, thereby escalating the whole rudefest another notch). I hope you continue to ask your fellow riders, politely, if you might adjust a window, and work with them to find some sort of comfort zone. But keep in mind that Muni is hardly the place to seek perfect comfort; you may never be able to hit your climatic "sweet spot" on the 38 Geary.
Dear Social Grace,
I'm an avid reader, but due to social and time constraints, I have very little time to enjoy reading. In fact, usually my only opportunities come during my lunch break and my commute. When I'm reading, I put in brightly colored earplugs and become so deeply engrossed in my book that I may as well hang a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck. However, several times a week, some co-worker or acquaintance seems to take my reading as a sign that I'm just lonely and would really prefer to talk to someone. Then I feel obligated to be attentive and join him or her in small talk. Now, I may be coming across as stuck-up, but believe me, when genuine conversation comes along, I'm happy to put down my book and have a nice talk. These folks, though, while good-hearted, don't really have anything to say; they just jabber on about the weather, or about how someone else they know jabbers to them about the weather and how much they dislike it.
When I'm approached on public transit, it becomes especially awkward, since they ask where I'll be getting off and expect my full attention until that point, thus neatly cornering me. Is there something I'm doing that invites this, or do I just know a lot of lonely people? And when I see someone I know, regardless of how close I am to them or how distracted they look, is it my social duty to get their attention and engage them in conversation? I feel as though I may have missed an etiquette lesson here somewhere.
