Dear Social Grace,
I've recently been invited to two weddings that involve grooms I'm friends with and brides I've never met. In both cases, I was invited to bridal showers; I thought this was very strange, since we weren't at all acquainted. The first wedding, held in November, was on the East Coast. By the time I received the invitation to the shower, which was to be held a few weeks before the wedding, my husband and I had already spent hundreds of dollars on airfare, a hotel, formal attire, and a wedding gift.
I thought it was very strange to be invited to the shower of a total stranger, and as the shower was held out-of-state, I declined the invitation. I'm attending another wedding in about a month, and I've received yet another invitation to a wedding shower.
I did not send a gift to the first shower, and I've been wondering since if this was the correct thing to do. And now that I have another invitation to another shower of an unknown bride -- a shower that I cannot attend because of my work schedule -- I wonder if I'm obligated to send a gift.
I can't help thinking about my own wedding shower almost 10 years ago, where the attendees were all close friends. It was a fun and intimate afternoon; I cannot imagine what the event would have been like if total strangers were in attendance. I have a feeling that all female wedding guests are being invited to these showers so that no one feels left out, but to me this seems to be overextending social etiquette. This trend smacks of brides trolling for gifts. Your opinion?
Sincerely,
S.G.
Dear Madam With the Lovely Monogram,
Let's pause and answer the question "What is a shower?" There are bridal showers and baby showers, and some readers may remember a recent discussion of gender-transitioning showers ["Not a Hallmark Moment," May 9]. The purpose of a shower is to celebrate -- and to help the honoree prepare for -- an important life change.
A close friend or relation of the honoree is the proper person to throw a shower; this friend invites people she thinks would be happy to attend and delighted to bring a gift (an important part of the shower tradition; it's one of the few occasions at which a gift is expected). Said gifts needn't be grand or expensive; indeed, some modern bridal showers involve gifts of advice and good wishes rather than those of the material sort. Because people who love us dearly are most likely to be happy to give us presents, a shower should, as you say, be rather intimate.
A common bridal-shower misunderstanding is that every bride must have one. Rather, bridal showers are minor, unnecessary events, given to brides by loved ones as a sort of a treat. A bride should not hold her own shower -- it would make her seem unspeakably greedy.
You're right that some brides do "troll for gifts" by inviting strangers to their bridal showers; however, if I were you, I would try to give these women the benefit of the doubt. The organizers may indeed have been trying to make you feel included, or perhaps they were unsure of your relationship to the engaged couple (if the shower was a surprise, they may have compiled a guest list from an address book). Regardless, after you have declined the invitation your etiquette obligation is finished: You do not have to send a gift to the honoree of a shower you don't attend.
Dear Social Grace,
What is the polite way to ask a new co-worker his sexual orientation if he is sending out mixed signals? It doesn't matter to me either way, but I'm curious. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Just Curious
Dear Curious Madam or Sir,
By "mixed signals" you mean what, exactly? His spreadsheets say "gay" to you, while his screen saver says "straight"? I fail to see how a co-worker's sexual orientation is any of your business unless he cares to make it so. Simple curiosity is the poorest excuse I can imagine for asking someone such a question (and I'll remind you of Social Grace's "Don't be a buttinsky" dictum). I'm sure you have more important things to think about at the office, and I'd advise you to concentrate on them. If and when your co-worker's romantic preferences become something you need to pay attention to -- if, perhaps, he asks you to go salsa dancing or introduces you to his special someone -- they should be readily apparent.
Dear Social Grace,
Prove me right and put in print that it is correct to eat asparagus with your fingers.
Winning a Bet
Dear Winning Madam or Sir,
Consider it done. Asparagus is the bacon of vegetables: It may be eaten quite properly with the fingers -- that is, if it is not covered in sauce, in which case it's best eaten with a knife and fork. Using silverware is not strictly incorrect, however, so the outcome of your bet may be murkier than you'd hoped. It's just as well: The Social Grace Morals Committee is not entirely comfortable with the idea of wagering on points of etiquette.
foam order.com
