Dear Social Grace,
I'm a member of a small social group that meets monthly. There are several couples in the group, but one pair in particular is very physically affectionate during our gatherings. Their public displays of affection are intimate and prolonged enough to make others feel they've intruded. Several other people in the group -- at least half -- have told me this behavior makes them uncomfortable.
This has been going on for some time, and the problem doesn't appear to be going away. How would you recommend we deal with this situation? I'd appreciate any advice.
Disturbed in San Francisco
Dear Disturbed Madam or Sir,
There is a certain type of gathering where "prolonged and intimate" public displays of affection are acceptable, but I'll assume that we aren't talking about one of thoseparties. Further assuming that one-half of this couple isn't leaving for a two-year Peace Corps assignment, I'll say that any "PDA" beyond the hand-holding, arm-around-the-waist, closed-mouth-kiss type is out of order.
You've read here about the dangers of "buttinskying." Well, this is an example of buttoutskying: foisting the details of one's private life on others against their wishes. As this couple's friend, you can help them see that their behavior is unpleasant without seeming cross or disciplinary. The next time they behave in a boudoir fashion, you or one of your group might ask them privately if they would prefer to be by themselves: "Lee, Chris, do you two need a moment alone? We could continue our discussion of War and Peacein a few minutes."
If a stronger tactic is called for, you might say (with a smile), "I guess you two aren't really interested in playing canasta. Do you want to call it a night?" After they are invited to continue their activities elsewhere a couple of times, they should get the hint. Finally -- and it's risky -- you could address the problem the next time a gathering is discussed. For example: "We know you don't get much "alone' time, but if we wouldn't be intruding on a romantic evening, we'd love to see you next week." If they don't catch your drift ... they'll find themselves rather infrequently invited out -- and perhaps that is how they want it.
Dear Social Grace,
My co-workers and I hosted a birthday dinner for our wonderful administrative assistant. The dinner took place at a restaurant, and there were about 15 of us. The service wasn't the greatest, and plates were brought to the table in staggered groups -- the result being that some people at our table were served dinner a good 15 minutes before others. I, as one of the people that got their dinners in the first round of service, was unsure about when to begin eating. The people who hadn't gotten their dinners yet (including the birthday gal) were telling those of us who'd been served to "Eat, eat!" before our food got cold. Should we have done so? Or would it have been correct to wait until everyone had a plate, no matter what? What happened was that some people did start eating when told to -- and perhaps felt as though they were being rude. Other people waited -- and perhaps felt as though they were being fuddy-duddies (and their dinners got cold). I'd like to know what the correct action would've been.
Via the Internet
Dear Hungry Madam or Sir,
Why, you say "fuddy-duddy" as if it were pejorative! I can't understand why -- some of my favorite people are fuddy-duddies. Regarding your question, you've nothing to fear: No one at your dinner party has earned a Social Grace reprimand. Although it's generally correct to begin eating after everyone has a plate and the host digs in, when a dinner party numbers more than six and some are served before others, it's best for the host to encourage those with plates to begin -- and it's OK for them to do so. In your situation (a "hostless" event), it was thoughtful of the guest of honor to take the initiative and do the encouraging. But with such a large party, you can begin eating as soon as a handful of diners have their meals. Still, I can find no fault with those who waited.
Dear Social Grace:
Is it appropriate to send a "group" thank-you note rather than individual notes for a gift from several people? I have participated in several going-away parties at work, as well as some workplace showers. Usually the recipient of the party sends a single note addressed to everyone who contributed to the gift, often via e-mail. While I have never found this to be offensive or inappropriate, I would like to know what is socially correct in such instances. My co-workers are planning a baby shower for me next month and I would like to know how to respond appropriately.
Anonymous
Dear Thankful Madam,
In writing this column, I've made a happy discovery: San Franciscans' most common etiquette questions concern thank-you notes and wedding invitations. This fact speaks to me of a joyful Bay Area population, in love and full of gratitude. It warms this fuddy-duddy's heart.
