Dear Social Grace,
I was brought up with fairly good social skills, but this one is stumping me.
Some friends are throwing me a 40th birthday party next month. We have many friends who are parents, and they sometimes bring their kids, even if the invitation only names the couple, not the whole family. To make things clear, can we put something like "grown-ups' night out" on the invitations, and if we do, can we make an exception for one couple who has an infant (and who won't want to get a sitter)? What about our own daughter, who is 2 1/2?
And I want some friends who either live out of town or who will be out of town to know they were included. Does sending an invite to someone you know won't or can't come just look like fishing for a gift?
Any help you can give would be appreciated.
Janet
Dear Janet,
If I were invited to a grown-ups' night out and arrived to find my friends consoling a cranky toddler or cooing over a sleeping infant, I might be bemused -- and perhaps hurt, if I'd been asked to leave my own darlings (who are as well behaved as only fictitious children can be) at home. It might be difficult for you to host two different types of party on the same night: You wouldn't throw a party at which some of the guests were served dinner and some weren't, would you? Consider including the kids (if you have the space) and installing a baby sitter in one room to watch the children while the adults have fun in another.
Your own children are an exception. You're not required to lock your daughter away in her room when you entertain, but her presence at a party reserved for adults should be limited -- until she's old enough to serve cocktails or fill in at the bridge table.
If you decide to throw a grown-ups' night out, calling it such is fine. Prohibitive wording ("no this or that") is what's unpleasant on an invitation -- it just doesn't put guests in a festive mood. If you aren't sure your friends will realize that an invitation includes the kids only when it specifically says so, you can make that clear when they RSVP or in a follow-up call. Something like "I'm so glad you both can make it; I hope finding a sitter isn't too much trouble" should make your intention clear.
Finally, regarding inviting people you know can't come to a party, your friends should know you well enough to understand that you wouldn't do so in the name of getting a gift. There's nothing impolite about sending an invitation to everyone you hope can come. You could include a clarifying note with the invitation: "I sure wish you could be there, although I know you'll be out of town. If your plans change, let us know."
Dear Social Grace,
My daughter will soon be having her first birthday, and we're having a "picnic" birthday party for her that will include family and friends. Am I obligated to hand out party bags to the kids who will be attending the party? There will be kids there that are older than she is. I have read that I do not have to hand them out but just want to clarify what the proper etiquette is nowadays.
Thanks for your help!
Kris
Dear Kris,
You are not obligated to give gift bags to the guests at a children's party. Although it's a common practice, it's a relatively recent development for kids. Lest anyone accuse me of harboring ill will toward all the sweet tots under discussion today (the well-mannered clients at Social Grace's School for Proper Girls and Boys will vouch for my love of children), I'll add that there's nothing wrong with party favors. What iswrong is the growing expectation -- not only among children -- that one should be rewarded for attending a party.
Dear Social Grace,
If a very close friend asks you if she looks too fat, and she has in fact been gaining weight by the week, should you say yes or should you lie? The first seems as though it would be more honest and actually helpful, but the second seems nicer. I think it would benefit a certain friend of mine to hear the truth.
Sincerely,
Honest Friend
Dear Honest Madam or Sir,
Oh, the cruel insults that have been perpetrated in the name of "the truth." As wonderful as honesty is, and as much as we cherish friends who can be trusted to tell us the truth, it isn't always the best policy. The answer to your friend's question depends on its timing.
Say your friend -- we'll call her Taffy -- is preparing for a first date with a gentleman she's had a crush on for months. She's bought a new dress, she's spent an hour on her hair, and she's been primping in front of the mirror for 45 minutes. Nervous about the evening, she turns to you and says, "Tell me the truth; do I look too fat?"
