Dear Social Grace,
I need to know whether it is polite to use the word "picnic." I was recently told that this term has a racist origin; however, some research at my local library revealed that to be false. In fact, the word has innocent origins in a 17th-century French term,pique nique, which described picking a dish from among many brought by a group of guests (like a potluck). Nonetheless, if I use the word "picnic," unless I pedantically explain its origin each time I use it, I run the risk of offending someone who thinks it is racist. What is the fairest and most polite way to speak?
Wordlessly Yours in California
Dear Wordless Madam or Sir,
The gentlepeople of the Social Grace Etymology Department had just returned from their annual Summer Outdoor Eating Experience when your letter arrived, and they were happy to confirm your research's findings: The past of "picnic" is a wee bit uncertain but undoubtedly blameless. However, they also found plenty of evidence that it has been wrongly accused of racism -- a sort of linguistics urban legend -- and some who believe these falsehoods find the term distasteful.
To be fair and polite, one must endeavor to use language that does not offend. Language itself tends to sort these things out: Some fine, upstanding words have the misfortune of sounding like words that polite people do not use, and for that reason, they are disappearing from our lexicon, used only rarely to avoid offending those unfamiliar with a term's origins. ("Niggardly" is one example of a word with a spotless record but a rather ugly sound to modern ears. Its use caused a white mayoral aide in Washington, D.C., to lose his job in 1999.) Words' meanings also change drastically over time. Today's accepted, polite term may have been yesterday's epithet or slur, and vice versa. The recent rebirth of "queer" is an example that San Franciscans will know.
A new sensitivity has caused us to re-examine some terms with unpleasant pasts ("paddy wagon," "gyp"), but there's no reason to banish "picnic" from your vocabulary. Its past, its meaning today, and its current usage shouldn't cause offense. Sometimes it's less the word itself than who is saying it, how it's meant, and to whom it's said.
There are so many truly ugly words, used with truly malicious intent, that I'm amazed there's enough outrage left over for poor "picnic." If you are taken to task for using it, you needn't descend into pedantry. Simply encourage your accuser to do his own etymological research, and assure him that to you, the word means nothing more sinister than a barbecue, a blanket, and a game of Frisbee.
Dear Social Grace,
We chatted a month or so ago about clearing tables at a catered event["Woman, Abroad," June 6] -- at which we had a fabulous time, by the way -- and now that our event is over, I have a few questions.
1) Irresponsible children: We had a semiformal event with many young teenagers (a bar mitzvah). While the party was "rockin' out" inside the facility, a few of the boys did some mischief to the property, some of it very destructive, putting us in an awkward position. We don't have any definite proof, but through much digging, we found that the most severe offenses were probably committed by a child whose parents (our friends) were at the party, too. They have no clue as to their child's indiscretions. Do we approach them and risk spoiling the friendship or do we just let it go?
2) Gift etiquette: There are a few of our friends who probably didn't know that this was a gift-giving occasion. That's fine. There are others who I'm sure know the protocol and are unlikely not to have given a gift. How do I ask whether they gave something and we lost it, without making it seem as though we're asking for a gift?
Thanks,
Via the Internet
Dear Event-Planning Madam or Sir,
I'm so glad the event was enjoyable, and thank you for the update. I'm sorry, though, that the proceedings were marred by destructive behavior. Although I wouldn't advise you to "let it go" entirely, a few words in your letter indicate that you'll need to be cautious when speaking to your friends. I'm thinking specifically of "don't have any definite proof" and "probably."
Where there is doubt, it's best to presume innocence. You might say, "The hall was vandalized during the bar mitzvah, and we wondered if you'd mind asking your son if he saw or heard anything." That simple statement lays no blame -- and should sound alarm bells in a parent's head. At that point you've done all you can or need do.
Gifts that one hasn't received (or been told to expect) shouldn't be commented upon. It's not nice to ask friends, "By the way, did you get us a gift? Because if you did, we can't find it." That said, it's correct for a gift-giver to check up on a gift for which he wasn't thanked. If after a few weeks these people have not received thank-you notes from your son, they may call to ask, "Did your son receive the thesaurus we sent him?" You can then straighten out any confusion about the gift's location.
