Dear Social Grace,
Tonight, while waiting on a couple at dinner, it was brought to my attention that I'd forgotten to bring their drinks. I apologized profusely, but I hoped the couple would understand. When I brought their drinks, the man said to me, "Do I have an accent?" I said, "Yes, you have a lovely accent." (He was English.) He replied, "So then did you understand me when I said, "WILL YOU BRING MY WIFE A GLASS OF WATER?'"
My response to his inexcusable rudeness (and being a waitress, I have experienced such unspeakable rudeness before) was total shock, and I apologized again and immediately brought the water. However, I wished I could have said something that communicated, "Excuse me, but I didn't wake up and come to work today to be your personal punching bag."
What do you suggest I should have said to him? I would love to hear the perfect -- yet tasteful -- retort.
Thanks so much,
Laura
Dear Laura,
I sympathize with your plight. I, too, have served time behind a long white apron, armed with only a pen, a corkscrew, and a pepper mill -- meager protection against the occasionally nasty restaurantgoing public. So I am no stranger to the sort of behavior you describe. However, there is nothing I can add to your response that would improve upon it. You did the right thing: faced rudeness with professionalism, retained your dignity, and did your job -- which, like all jobs, has its unpleasant aspects. In the case of food serving and other public services, one of those unpleasant aspects is dealing with boors.
Meeting sarcasm with more sarcasm (or with a mighty swing of your pepper mill) is ineffective and usually begets yet more rudeness. In fact, the retorts that have probably been going through your mind since this encounter would only have brought you down to this fellow's level -- and you wouldn't want that. Unfailing professionalism and levelheaded courtesy often defuse tantrums of the sort you describe. If you're lucky, they may also leave the guilty party feeling foolish and looking like an ass in front of his dinner companions -- which, I think you will agree, is a satisfying result.
The perfect, tasteful retort is, "Pardon me. I'll bring that water right away."
Dear Social Grace,
I read the letter from "Tipped Off" and your response [Sept. 12]. I think you both should be aware that the term is not "tip" but "T.I.P.," and that it stands for "to insure promptness." The concept started with the very wealthy, who wanted that extra-special service. The correct way is to tip before the service, not after it. If you want good service, let your bartender, waiter, or taxi driver know that you respect them and intend to treat them fairly. Address them by name if you know it. If you are going to be in a bar for some time, slip the bartender $10 or $20 when you order that first drink and say, "John, take good care of me." When your waiter or waitress comes to take your order, hand them $10 and say, "I'm looking forward to a great meal, Suzy, I'll have the ...." You might be surprised just how good the service can be; you might even get clean food! Taxi drivers are no different. If you go between the same Point A and Point B frequently and you know the fare is about $13, hand the driver a 20-dollar bill when you get in the cab and just tell him where you want to go. You'll be surprised just how nice your trip can be.
Thank you.
Via the Internet
Dear Big-Spending Madam or Sir,
In the main, I like your attitude. Anyone endeavoring to treat those who toil in public service fairly and respectfully (see this week's first letter, above) earns a place in Social Grace's Good Books. However, I have a couple of small bones to pick.
In truth, the word "tip" is not short for "to insure promptness." This is another of those strange etymology urban legends that the Internet breeds (and besides, "ensure" would be grammatically correct). There's a whole slew of acronym-based etymology canards floating around out there. (For the record, "gentlemen only; ladies forbidden" did not lead to the word "golf," nor did "fornication under consent of the king" produce a word that Social Grace just doesn't say.)
The practice of tipping precedes the English language altogether -- the ancient Romans, for example, had ideas about how much to tip a prostitute -- and the origins of the word are therefore somewhat murky. There is some evidence that the word "tip" was medieval English street slang for, basically, "hand it over," but we may never know its exact origin.
I'm afraid I also disagree with the idea that tipping before a service is rendered is the right thing to do in every situation. It's not wrong, exactly, and if you're about to cause a food server or bartender a great deal of trouble, it might smooth your way. As you may know, I'm a big proponent of tipping, so I'd never discourage you from doing so. But I checked with a bartending acquaintance at my local watering hole, and his one-word description of the practice you describe was "smarmy."
