Osama Was Here

To show the value of pundits in the Terror Era, our columnist tells the CIA where bin Laden's been, President Bush where to go


Now that I've saved my job and made the world safe for political columns by finding the Evil One, I beseech you, pundits: Go back to voicing opinions without fear of reprisal. We're patriots, once again.

For my part, I'll say that Gutting and Guthrie were right: George Bush is a coward, and there was something peculiar Sept. 11 about seeing America under siege with no president in sight. He's a liar, too; even if he's snoozed through every briefing the State Department's offered on Muslim outrage over our policy on Israel, the bombing of Iraq, and the U.S. military presence in Saudi Arabia, George Bush couldn't be simple-minded enough to believe his own assertion that Muslim extremists' primary complaint with America involves our conception of "liberty." George Bush is a craven savage: He's bombing a dirt-poor country with no convincing rationale. He's despotic: His anti-terrorism, anti-civil-liberties laws read like a redneck sheriff's manifesto. George Bush is a hypocrite: He's doing what he can to fight terrorism, as long as it doesn't endanger money-laundering bankers or Texas oilmen, both up to their necks in Middle East intrigue. Worst of all, Dubya's a fraud: Can there be a greater insult to idealism than an election-stealer presuming to defend the Free World?

I could go on, but I'll leave what's left of the low-hanging fruit for my editorialist colleagues. Now that the world's safe for punditry, they need work, too. In the words of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, "The best way to defeat terrorism is to get back to work serving our people."

I only hope I've done my part.

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