The Naked Truth

Dear Social Grace,

I have a situation that I wonder if the "when in Rome" rule applies to. It was mentioned several times recently by friends, when we went to a nude beach and I preferred to leave my bathing suit on. I got teased a lot, and it was on and on with the "when in Rome" and calling me a prude. I just don't feel comfortable being nude around other people, and it's not because I'm a prude. I wasn't brought up that way, and I am an old-fashioned girl. There were other people there who were wearing their bathing suits, but my friends were letting it all hang out. They accused me of being impolite for this, and I said I would ask you.

Not a Prude

Dear Modest Madam,

There are very few situations in which nudity is a requirement (certain medical scenarios come to mind). Unless one is knowingly going to a nudists' gathering -- at which nudity is often mandatory, according to my sources (whom I'm suddenly seeing in a different light) -- the decision to remove one's clothing is personal. In addition, there are many good reasons to remain clothed at the beach: the convenience of pockets, the danger of sunburn, the uncomfortable mixture of sand and sensitive body parts, and so on. None of the beachgoers at Social Grace's Rome office can fault you for not "doing as the Romans do" in this situation.

The way I see it, the concern here is folks who, at what I believe is called a "clothing optional" beach, jeer a friend for following her conscience. Behaving in accordance with one's context -- the "when in Rome" dictum -- is an important part of etiquette and good behavior. However, we make distinctions between the polite deference to important local customs and the compromise of deeply held personal values. In your situation, nudity is not a mandatory practice, and your values are reason enough to stay clothed.

As a general rule, if we fear we will not be able to comply with the conventions of a given place, staying home is often a wise choice, especially if our companions on the proposed excursion are prone to teasing and insults.

Dear Social Grace,

I always thought that it was OK to eat oysters with your hands, slurping them right off the shell, but there has been some disagreement on this matter with my squeeze, who doesn't even like oysters but says that eating them this way is crude. I humbly ask for approval from any corner.

Via the Internet

Dear Slurping Madam or Sir,

Oysters on the half shell are usually considered good for a squeezy relationship, and I'm sorry to hear that in your case they've caused something of a rift. Unfortunately, the only approval I can offer you is conditional. Oysters may be eaten from the shell in an informal setting such as a picnic or a casual oyster bar. In a more formal setting, however, one should use a shellfish fork. To do so, hold the shell in one hand, remove the oyster with the fork, and dip it in any available sauce (or use the fork to place a dollop of sauce or horseradish on the oyster before removal). You'll have to use your judgment: If the table is set with linen napkins, you'll probably find the tiny shellfish fork nearby, in which case you should use it. If there's sawdust on the floor, it's unlikely you'll find -- or need -- a shellfish fork, in which case slurping is not considered crude. (That said, please slurp within decent limits, remembering that our dinner companions don't require audible proof that we are enjoying our food.)

As you make your way through these murky etiquette waters, though, the most expedient plan of action might be to please your decorum-minded squeeze and use any handy fork.

Dear Social Grace,

I eat dinner a couple times a week at this taqueria. I speak very little Spanish, but I take that opportunity to practice it, and I can definitely navigate ordering a burritoen español. Today I was cautioned (by a non-Spanish speaker) that to do so is condescending. Is it?

Sincerely,
What Kind of Beans?

Dear Refried Madam or Sir,

I've examined the situation from every angle, even soliciting advice from a line chef at my favorite taqueria, and see no problems with speaking Spanish to the person preparing your Mexican food. However, one shouldn't assume that every taqueria employee speaks Spanish -- if it turns out that the person behind the counter does not, simply switch to English, begging pardon.

A different assumption might be considered condescending: a belief that the person working at your local taqueria doesn't speak English well enough to handle your order. The danger of your actions being thus interpreted is slim, particularly if you are courteous, and the danger disappears altogether if you take a second to explain how much you enjoy the opportunity to practice your Spanish, with apologies for any insult your accent may do to that beautiful language.