Dear Social Grace,
My brother and his family recently sent me a birthday card that contained humor I didn't find funny. The photo on the cover was probably from the late 1960s or early 1970s, and it depicted a group of people on an amusement-park ride in which the riders stand with their backs against the wall of a round room; the room then spins around so fast that riders remain suspended against the wall when the floor is dropped from underneath them. The odd visual created is supposed to be even more amusing because of the outdated dress and accessories that these people have on.
I dismissed the image from my mind and remained grateful for having been remembered on my birthday, but when I thanked my brother on the phone later, he eagerly explained that he thought his selection had my name "written all over it." I realized that he meant well, as I am viewed as having a more modern sense of humor than the rest of our family, but I had to suppress the urge to explain that I thought the sight of a heavyset woman in horn-rims hanging slack-jawed as her dress understandably rode up on her was degrading. On one hand, I didn't want to be a scold over something that was given out of love; on the other hand, I want to convey my disgust for humor that depends on the humiliation of others. Any suggestions you would have on addressing or ignoring this situation would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
We Are Not Amused
Dear Unamused Madam or Sir,
Jokes at others' expense are indeed repugnant, and many civilized people share your distaste for such humor. However, I'm sure you know the dangers of overreacting to a simple joke -- that is, accusations of humorlessness or (in your case) ingratitude. Not having seen the card you describe, I can't know how offensive its humor is, but I can give you the test I'd apply to this sort of thing: If it were me in that photograph, how outraged would I be?
If I were to climb aboard an amusement-park ride (highly unlikely), would the resulting photographic evidence, presenting me in an unflattering light, give me a chuckle or make me feel insulted? Making fun of heavyset people -- or people who wear horn-rims, people who wear skirts, and amusement-park goers, for that matter -- is wrong, undoubtedly. But deliberately looking for offense in a well-intentioned joke is just as narrow-minded. Potentially inappropriate situational humor must be coolly and carefully evaluated; it can be the grayest of gray areas. Expressions of "disgust" should be reserved for the truly disgusting; otherwise, they lose their power to affect others. Besides, if we spend a lot of time being disgusted at birthday cards, we won't be able to enjoy our cake.
If the card was more unfunny than offensive, let the matter rest with your thank you. Some other time, consider including your brother in a conversation -- of the "I know I don't need to tell you" school -- about how much you both hate humor that degrades others.
Dear Social Grace,
My sister, who lives in another state, got married a couple years ago. At the time, she had a very small wedding, only close family. There were financial considerations, and she was several months pregnant with their first child. Now she's planning a bigger church wedding, to make up for the fact that she did not have a real wedding the first time. I'm going to have to do a lot of traveling to get to this wedding, and I love my sister, but I already bought her and her husband a wedding present the first time. Am I obligated to buy another one? Last time she didn't register, but this time she did. I just got a call from my mother asking me what I was planning on getting her, and honestly, I wasn't planning on getting her anything. What is my duty here?
Thank you,
Maxed-Out Credit Card
Dear Maxed-Out Madam or Sir,
First, for couples everywhere, let's clear up some confusion: A bigger wedding is not more "real," and one does not get married in order to get presents. A couple shouldn't keep staging weddings until they're satisfied with the show they've put on or the gifts they've received. The circumstances of one's wedding are the circumstances of one's wedding, and they should be treasured as such, no matter how simple or inopportune. If this is not clear to you young lovers out there, please rethink your wedding plans.
Your sister is already married. She is not having a wedding; she's having a wedding-themed party. Vow-renewal ceremonies have recently become popular, and they can be quite lovely, but registering for such an occasion hints at sheer greediness.
If my sister were having a party to celebrate her marriage -- say, an anniversary party -- I might buy her a gift because I loved her. Such a gift is not obligatory and should come from the heart. I advise you to look to yours in this situation, as proper behavior for wedding-themed parties is not covered in any book in the Social Grace Etiquette Library.
