Dear Social Grace,
I am terribly embarrassed that I even have to ask this question, but I hope that you can help me out.
I have a very good friend (we have known each other since we were children) who has been living on the East Coast for the last 15 years. Twice a year or so, he visits me and stays in my house for about a week. I always look forward to these visits, since we don't get much chance to spend time together otherwise.
Whenever he's in a serious relationship, I also invite his girlfriend to visit. Things have always worked out well and everyone has had a great time. His current girlfriend, though, is completely different. They have already visited twice together, and both times she started complaining as soon as she came out of the plane and didn't stop till I dropped them off at the airport.
Some of the comments that she's made seem very rude, too. For example, she didn't like staying in my house because its decoration showed a "lack of taste." The food that I cook for them is "bland." The restaurants that we go to are "subpar." My choice of entertainment (I try to buy tickets for a play or a concert in advance) is either too boring or too show-off-ish.
I don't know what to do. I tried to get her involved in making decisions about how we will spend the time during their stay here, but she says that everything is the same to her. You might think that I shouldn't mind, but the constant complaining gets to me. I have a terrible time while they're here. I don't even get to enjoy the fact that I am spending time with my friend (who acts embarrassed when he hears his girlfriend's comments).
Recently my friend called me and said that they are coming to visit in a few weeks, and for the first time in years, I found myself dreading this visit. I don't know what I should do. The previous two times I was very patient and didn't make any comments (although I thought many times, "Since you hate it so much here, why did you come in the first place?"). I really don't want to hurt my friend, and I also believe that one should be polite to one's guests. But maybe there is something I can do to make the situation easier for me? I am afraid that my patience is coming to an end. Please help!
Thank you very much,
M
Dear Unfortunate Hostess or Host,
Let me get this straight: This dreadful woman availed herself of your home while insulting it. She ate your food while disparaging it. And thenshe invited herself to stay with you again? Oh, heavens, no. If you'd be so kind as to raise your leg just a bit -- I'm going to help you put your foot down.
You're absolutely right that one should be polite to one's guests, and it sounds as though you've done everything in your power to be pleasant and accommodating to yours. (You even refrained from dumping a plate of your "bland cooking" in her lap.) Even so, there is a line between being accommodating and being a doormat. Guests have an equal obligation to be polite to their hosts -- if not a greater obligation, as they are on the receiving end of a kindness -- and you should mind a rude guest. It's not wrong to stand up for oneself; etiquette does not want people to put up with too much abuse.
It sounds as though your friend is inviting himself to stay. You also indicate that he recognizes his last visit with his girlfriend was unpleasant for you. Since he brought her to your home, he is in some way responsible for her behavior. In your place, I might say something like this: "Oliver, I can't wait to see you and Medusa. Of course, I'd love to have you stay with me, but Medusa seemed so uncomfortable at my place last time. So I have some suggestions for nearby hotels instead. Let me know if you'd like me to help you make reservations."
Then, I might encourage Oliver (if not Medusa) to make some choices about what to do: "I was so embarrassed when Medusa hated the show I chose. Can I send you a list of what's playing? You two could pick one together and I'll get tickets."
This accomplishes two things: It frees you from some of the unpleasantness that has marred past visits, and it expresses -- in a dignified, polite way -- that you will not let yourself be mistreated, even by old friends.
Dear Social Grace,
I have another argument for you to settle: Is there a rule about who gets the armrest of an airplane seat? Although this is a playful debate between me and a friend, and it's a joking argument about whose armrest was whose during a recent flight, I'm genuinely curious (although I usually just give up my armrest rather than make an issue of it).
