The Twelve Days of Cochina Marga Gomez's "toxic holiday comedy" about a disgruntled abstinence activist. Plays 8 p.m., Wednesday-Saturday; 7 p.m., Sunday, through Dec. 22; $16-$22. Theater Rhinoceros, 2926 16th St. (between Mission and South Van Ness), 861-5079 / www.therhino.org.
The Velveteen Rabbit ODC/San Francisco presents the classic children's tale with recorded narration by legendary clown and actor Geoff Hoyle. Plays 11 a.m., Wednesday-Friday, Dec. 5-7; 1 & 4 p.m., Saturday, Dec. 8; 2 p.m., Sunday, Dec. 9; $15-$38. Special benefit performance featuring live narration by Hoyle, with reception 7 p.m., Friday, Dec. 7; $50-$75. Yerba Buena Center for the Arts Theater, 700 Howard (at Third St.), 978-2787 / www.yerbabuenaarts.org.
Vienna Woods, New York Nights: Songs of Two Cities Broadway star George Hearn joins conductor Edwin Outwater and the San Francisco Symphony. 2 p.m., Saturday, Dec. 30; $15-$81. Davies Symphony Hall, 201 Van Ness (at Grove), 864-6000.
The Whistleaires' Big Christmas Special Annual variety show by Mark Romyn and Phil Worman. Plays 8 p.m., Thursday-Saturday, through Dec. 15; $10-$20. Exit Theater, 156 Eddy (between Taylor and Mason), 673-3847 / www.sffringe.org.
Wintersongs Women's vocal ensemble Kitka performs Eastern European choral music for the holidays. 8:30 p.m., Friday, Dec. 14; $16-$20. St. Gregory's Episcopal Church, 500 De Haro (at Mariposa), 510-444-0323 / www.kitka.org.
The Big-Fat Year-End Kiss-Off Comedy Show IX A hilarious evening of stand-up, improv, and sketches featuring Bay Area political pundits Will Durst and Johnny Steele, among others. 8 p.m., Wednesday, Dec. 26; $17. Julia Morgan Center for the Arts, 2640 College (at Derby), 925-798-1300. Also 7 & 10 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $25 for earlier show
Beach Blanket Babylon Steve Silver's North Beach perennial presents a seasonal extravaganza with tap-dancing Christmas trees and an oversize Yuletide hat. Special New Year's Eve performance 7 & 10:15 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $55-$175. Club Fugazi, 678 Green (at Powell), 421-4222.
The Big-Fat Year-End Kiss-Off Comedy Show IX A hilarious evening of stand-up, improv, and sketches featuring Bay Area political pundits Will Durst and Johnny Steele, among others. 8 p.m., Wednesday, Dec. 26; $17. Julia Morgan Center for the Arts, 2640 College (at Derby), 925-798-1300. Also 7 & 10 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $25 for earlier show, $40 for later show. Cowell Theater, Herbst Pavilion, Fort Mason, Marina & Buchanan, 441-3687.
Black Comedy Explosion 12th annual comedy show featuring Bruce Bruce, Rickey Smiley, and Guy Torry. 11 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $42.50-$55.50. Paramount Theater, 2025 Broadway (at 21st St.), Oakland, 510-465-6400.
Bobby Slayton, Nick Griffin, and a Special Guest Ring in the New Year with stand-up comedy. Featuring balloon drop, champagne toast, and dancing after the shows. 8 & 10 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $35-$60. Punch Line, 444 Battery (at Washington), 397-7573.
Comedy Countdown 2002 Featuring Greg Proops, Sue Murphy, Greg Behrendt, Matt Weinhold, and Tony Camin with music by the Swingin' Johnsons. 9:30 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $55. Palace of Fine Arts, 3301 Lyon (at Bay), 421-TIXS.
An Evening in Venice Masquerade extravaganza with a six-course meal followed by live music and dancing. Two dinner seatings from 6-7 p.m. and 8-9:30 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $125-$150. Spago Palo Alto, 265 Lytton (at Ramona), Palo Alto, 650-833-1000. Reservations required; formal attire optional.
An Evening of Elegance Bay Area Career Women (BACW) hosts its annual lesbian New Year's Eve Dinner and Dance. 7 p.m.-2 a.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $45-$50 dance only, $115-$150 dinner and dance. San Francisco Grand Hyatt, 345 Stockton (at Sutter), 495-5393 / www.bacw.org.
ÑFeliz AEo Nuevo! New Year's Eve dance with Fito Reynoso's Ritmo y Armonía. 9:30 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $20-$22. La PeEa Cultural Center, 3105 Shattuck (at Prince), Berkeley, 510-849-2568 / www.lapena.org.
Les Claypool's Frog Brigade Second annual New Year's Eve concert. 9 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $55. Fillmore, 1805 Geary (at Fillmore), 421-TIXS.
New Year's Eve Countdown The ultimate New Year's Eve event with three rooms to party in. Features DJs Michael Anthony, Frenchy Le Freak, Miss Audry, Kramer, Matthew K, Bali, Dimitris Mykonos, and many more. Complimentary champagne at midnight. Brought to you by Mixed Elements. 8 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $75 general admission, $100 VIP tickets, $10 VIP rebate code m25 (rebate given at door). Club Bas, 383 Bay (at Mason), www.funkyfelix.com.
Parkway New Year's Eve Pajama Jam Wear your PJs and negligees and watch the original Grease, starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. Dance party, champagne toast, and "Sexy Lingerie Contest" follow. 7:30 p.m.-2 a.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $30. Parkway Speakeasy Theater, 1834 Park (at Lake Merritt), Oakland, 510-814-2400 / www.picturepubpizza.com.
Queer Salsa and Swing Party Pre-New Year's Eve Dance party for GLBT people of all ages. 6:30 p.m.-midnight, Saturday, Dec. 29; free-$10. Synergy Elementary School, 1387 Valencia (at 24th St.), 567-6177.
Remedy "Pimp N' Ho" New Year's Eve Party Themed event with costumes encouraged. Pimp daddies spin deep house, disco, funk, soul, and R&B. 9 p.m.-6 a.m., Monday, Dec. 31; call for price. Big Heart City, 836 Mission (between Fourth and Fifth Sts.), 646-0803.
Ritz-Carlton Ballroom Gala Start the evening with a cocktail, caviar, and hors d'oeuvre reception; follow that with a five-course dinner, dessert and wine pairing, and dancing to the sounds of Encore. 7 p.m., Monday, Dec. 31; $275. Ritz-Carlton Hotel, 600 Stockton (at California), 773-6198.