Letters to the Editor for the week of 12-5-2001

... We Never Got Around to Publishing
SF Weekly values feedback from readers. Unfortunately, the sheer volume of letters we receive prohibits us from publishing many of them. The sheer stupidity prohibits us from publishing even more. But we ran short of normal letters this week, so here is real, actual reader correspondence from the last few months that somehow never made it to our Letters page. Until now.

Get Me the Pentagon
At last, a foolproof plan to fight terrorism: To all persons on whichever list this may be. Public service message.

This is war. We have lost 7,000 people. I ask each recipient on each list to pass this on to 5 others, and also to post on all discussion lists you are on. You have an obligation to support your country, and one way to do it is to pass on good ideas.

The basic idea is to get 500,000 cell phones, programmed to call into a place in Pakistan, where Arabic-speaking operators can take down info about where Osama bin Landen (and team) are hiding. The phones will have ONE button to push, no keypad, and the call will go only to the base in nearby Pakistan. On the phone will be instructions on how to call (push button) and how to report where bin Laden is or will be. Each phone, or pack of five, will be dropped in SHOCK PROOF CONTAINERS, preferably at low altitude, by B-1 bombers or B-52s. No parachute -- so Taliban will NOT SEE THEM COME DOWN.

Dissidents in Afghanistan who are tired of bin Laden and his terror can "drop a dime" on him, and TURN HIM IN. Our commandos can do the rest. Special Ops guys ... Seals, Green Barets, Black Ops troops, etc.

Patriotic cell phone makers can make them in three days, and donate. GTE, AT&T, Verizon, etc.

This is ONE HELL of a good idea. The entire COUNTRY may rat on bin Laden to GET RID OF HIM.

They Don't Get Letters Like This at The New Yorker
It occurs to us that the phrase "I like to do the coke" is superfluous:yo yo yo ... i like to do the coke ... FUCK the germs.

fancy some tea, mate? i must powder me nose in the loo. ridin a lift in the brain hotel. ... bye

Have a Problem No One Else Can Solve? Let SF Weekly Help
We're not sure where to get the film, but writing to a weekly magazine in San Francisco is definitely a good place to start: I am the office manager of a pair of art film houses in Charleston, S.C. We are desperately trying to find a 16mm or 35mm print of Plan 9 From Outer Space for a special event. If you have any information on where I could find one, I would be most grateful.

Thanks for ripping open those emotional wounds: I am doing a report on the reaction to Barbie. You know, anorexia, bulimia, implants, etc. I was wondering if you had any information you could e-mail me or anyone I could contact, that would be helpful. Also if you know anyone where Barbie has negatively affected them, that would be great. If possible, please respond in the next month.

It's the craziest thing, but we had a letter from a gorgeous woman who said that on a flight from Guadalajara on Oct. 12 she'd made eye contact with the handsomest man she'd ever seen and she begged us to help her find him, even if it was only for one night of passionate sex. We know that letter's here somewhere. ... Hmm, I guess we threw it away. Sorry.: Who know what could have happened is all that has been going threw my mind. I was recently on a plane trip back from Mexico, Guadalajara to be exact on 10/12/01. On our trip back I spoted one of the most attractive girl I have ever seen we made eye and all the usual but I never approached her due to the fact I thought she was on the plane with her boyfriend, I later saw her again and saw that it wasn't her boyfriend but it was too late. Now I relize that I would never get a chance to see her again. I did take a pic of the plane and accedently got a shot of her. Can anyone out there help me find her?

We Don't Know What the Hell You're Talking About
But we're sorry if we've offended you in any way: Gee whiz. Irreverence prewails at your J2K linkup. Here's a challenge sure bet there are really no stainless steel balls or tits on your end for the posturing of real hip and informed. The soft underbelly of compassion subjected to jest was mistaken for weakness, and that's always been your problem. You ain't got it, I can prove it to you: Jesus Christ took the deed to your eternity with both hands tied. Admonishment of the disciple imperative not to be satisfied with the brahmajhoti/ effulgence. You are out of your league and have proved it in the classic zen manner. I'm like so totally stoked to have actually witnessed condemned to outter darkness. You have actuated opposite of enlightenment. Now, that's a goal. How's that for turn the other cheek. Don't run into the real thing out here, we kicked your ass already.