Love Hurts

I must admit that I'm not much of a romantic. In my junior year of college, while most of my colleagues were getting drunk and getting laid, I was writing my final paper -- what I'd like to think of as a groundbreaking feminist tract -- on Zora Neale Hurston's novel Their Eyes Were Watching God. I pretentiously titled it "Survival of Slavery Through Marriage and Romantic Love," and suffice it to say, the guys weren't exactly lining up outside my library cubicle. Though I'm happy to report I've mellowed in my old age, Valentine's Day still makes my skin crawl.

If you're single on Valentine's Day, it feels like the most unnatural time of year. But at "Love on Wheels," members of the Lonely Hearts Club are welcomed with open arms. A benefit for the San Francisco Bicycle Coalition, the party features a dating game that's geared toward hooking up single cyclists, regardless of sexual preference. Why would anyone want to date a biker? According to the SFBC, male bike riders boast stronger "thrusting muscles" and a heightened sex drive, while low-maintenance female bicyclists are "used to getting sweaty and greasy." The event begins at 6 p.m. at Curve Bar, 747 Third St. (at King), S.F. Admission is free-$7; call 431-BIKE or go to www.sfbike.org.

One piece of advice they don't tell you in Bride's magazine: If you're getting married, at least do it in style -- preferably with as many zaftig go- go dancers as possible. This week's "Stinky's Peep Show" features more exciting activities than the usual beer-swilling and sticking of hot dogs into strange orifices. In between sets by the Crosstops and Diamonds in the Rough, David Elias, the former manager of old-school punk band Vktms, and his bride-to-be Charl Marmorstein will tie the knot amid a crowd of strangers. The public is invited to attend -- and wholeheartedly encouraged to shout, cajole, and bestow drunken well-wishes upon the couple -- as long as folks come dressed in their finest "Rock 'n' Roll wedding attire." Doors open at 9:30 p.m. at the Justice League, 628 Divisadero (at Hayes), S.F. Admission is $8; call 440-0409 or see www.justiceleague.com.

Another pair that proves the adage "The couple that plays together stays together" is Will "The Thrill" Viharo and his comely wife and assistant, Monica "Tiki Goddess." The duo will host "Valentine's Day With Ray Dennis Steckler," an event that reunites the famed B-movie auteur, also known as Cash Flagg, with his fellow partner in crime and director of the gross-out flick The Worm Eaters, Herb Robbins, who starred in Steckler's gorefest The Thrill Killers. Steckler, now a Las Vegas video store owner, introduces Killers along with his carnival house of horrors, the first "monster musical," The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed- Up Zombies, at 7:30 p.m. at the Parkway Theater, 1834 Park (at Lake Merritt), Oakland. Admission is $8; call (510) 814-2400 or visit picturepubpizza.com.