Dear Social Grace,
Interesting to read your piece regarding saving a parking spot["Parking Violations," Jan. 30]. Some time ago, I was standing in the street while my friend, who was parked in [one of] those "semilegal" midstreet spots on Dolores, ran back to move to this legal space. While waiting, a woman drove straight up to within feet of me, obviously indicating that I should move my derriere before it became an oil pan. I pointed to my friend, already pulling in behind her and prepared to take the space, and told her to kindly fuck off. She then pulled within inches, telling me that this was against "the rules" and that she lived here. I asked her what rules she was speaking of, and I told her that I had, in fact, lived within blocks of that neighborhood for over six years and was currently standing directly in front of my apartment complex, and that she better move her damn car or run over me 'cause I wasn't budging. Fortunately, she realized this really wasn't worth it, but I've since been asking myself whether I was in the right on this occasion. I have to say that however wrong I may have been in trying to prevent my friend from getting another parking ticket, such action on her part represented a legitimate physical threat. So thanks for your story, SG, I feel a little vindicated.
Dear Steadfast Madam or Sir,
It's tricky, isn't it, being "right" (and establishing rights) in a situation where there are no rules to follow? Just to set the record straight: Social Grace in no way endorses foul language or shouting matches in the street. And as you might guess, I have nothing nice to say about people who threaten others with vehicular homicide.
Holding a parking space for a few seconds on behalf of a car within sight seems to fall within the bounds of acceptable behavior. What I'd hope would happen if a disagreement arose, though, would be a bit better mannered. This driver was pretty nasty, sure. But you and your friend still would've gotten the parking space if you'd refused to give way but calmly explained your situation. There's a chance that a more even-tempered dialogue would have resulted in a compromise, and everyone could have left the scene, if not happy, then at least not seething with curb rage.
Dear Social Grace,
I recently called you when you were on KFOG with questions about my 73-year-old dad, who has lost all his table manners, etiquette, etc. Your suggestion was good, about offering him a napkin when the food starts flying, but what to do about him talking while food is in his mouth? He also chews with his mouth open. I have made comments to my own children about such things while he is dining with us, but it has not registered! When I was a child, he and my mother were very strict concerning table manners. He does live alone, and all I can think is that he is so used to eating alone that he has no clue how terrible it really looks. One other thing: He always leans into the plate, with his left arm bent at the elbow, which is on the table. I know this sounds like I am trashing my own father, but I do love him and care about him very much. He is very defensive about any type of criticism, even constructive!Help!
Thank you.
Via the Internet
Dear Madam,
The short answer, I'm sorry to say, is that there's neither an easy nor a definite solution to your problem.
Your father is displaying embarrassingly poor table manners when he dines at your home. You indicated when we spoke that you were concerned about him, that you found his behavior embarrassing, and that he was setting a bad example for your children. You also explained that you were finding it difficult to broach the subject with him (and I can certainly see why, since the correction of table manners usually goes the other direction, from parent to child).
You have another option, one that's more direct but still tactful. You could try speaking to him privately, saying something like, "We're all being extra careful with our table manners because we're trying to teach the kids by example -- not that I need to remind you, since your table manners are impeccable." Often if you give a person something to live up to, he finds it hard to disappoint you.
Though I don't know all of the circumstances, I can't help but worry about the health of a gentleman who used to be fastidious about dining and now isn't. Perhaps chewing with his mouth open is not a breach of eating etiquette but rather a symptom of a physical or psychological problem that could be addressed. If your father's loss of table manners is related to a disability, for example, there may be nothing you can do to correct it. However, another valuable lesson for children (and many adults) to learn -- more important, even, than swallowing before speaking -- is that the spirit of good manners involves making allowances for, and being patient with, those who are unable to live up to all of etiquette's demands.
