Awkward Moments

Dear Social Grace,

I am a fan of your column and generally agree with your replies to readers' questions, but I must disagree with your answer to "Breaking Up With a Friend"[Feb. 6], who wanted to end a friendship that had begun at work and continued outside the office after they were both laid off. The writer sounds like a weak individual, saying "[s]omehow, a "friendship' ... developed." This shows a lack of responsibility on her part. It takes two persons to create any relationship. I believe your answer that she should simply decline invitations and phone calls until this friend decides to give up on the friendship is unfair to the other person. She deserves an explanation so that she does not have to wonder what occurred, which she may do for years to come. The steps you said to take will leave awkwardness if these persons run into each other on the street or have mutual friends and acquaintances. The explanation given should not be mean-spirited and can simply be, "I do not want to continue a friendship with you, but do know that I appreciate the time you have spent with me." That is the only fair thing to do. As a former New Yorker, I can state that the passive approach to relationships, which is the dominant paradigm on the West Coast, leaves much to be desired. This woman created a relationship; the onus is on her to tell the other person that the friendship is over for her. It is bad manners to do otherwise.

Sincerely,
Chris

Dear Chris,

Thank you for your kind letter, which raises interesting questions. Is it more humane to kill a friendship with one quick blow or to let it die a slow, natural death? And is the same method appropriate for all situations?

While I agree with you that the letter writer's passivity is somewhat to blame for the situation, I can't imagine that running into a former friend on the street would be less awkward if that friend had explained point-blank that she didn't want to be friends anymore. Acquaintances fall out of touch fairly often -- certainly it's a common occurrence among former co-workers -- so it shouldn't cause too many sleepless nights.

Besides, how does one gracefully explain such a decision? "Your personality annoys me on a fundamental level, but please don't take it personally"? It's the rare person who has a backbone sturdy enough to mete out truth like that -- our letter writer, who couldn't bring him- or herself to say no to a lunch invitation, probably wouldn't be such a person. More important, not many could hear something like that without feeling pretty lousy.

Like a romance, a friendship becomes a commitment through time and mutual agreement. Before that place is reached, though, it is not wrong to let a relationship end quietly, without a lot of processing (another irritating West Coast "paradigm"). That ending happens naturally when you politely decline further invitations to spend time with someone.

Dear Social Grace,

I'm so hoping you can answer these concerns for me -- I was raised in the South, where etiquette seems to be both more observed and immutable, so I'm not often at a loss for a mannerly response to a difficult situation. But I've come across an exceedingly sticky problem that I face daily.

Like many in our fair city I ride public transportation. On Muni buses, I see riders doing a number of curious things. The worst is clogging up the seats at the front of the bus. Though signs clearly state that they're reserved for the elderly or disabled, I see young, spry people grabbing them every day and then pretending not to notice as frail older people precariously stand. These seat-hoggers manage to ignore people on crutches, riders with heavy bags to hold, pregnant women, and so on.

I often handle this by standing up from my seat, wherever it is on the bus, and loudly asking if the standing party would like to sit down. This often seems to shame the seat-hoggers into reluctantly giving up their seats; at the very least, it provides space for those who genuinely need a seat. However, I don't wish to embarrass the standing party and I'm afraid my somewhat truculent offer does just that. Is there a better way to handle this? A gentle request works when I'm seated near the bus' front, but when I'm midway down the bus it's more difficult. Would it be appropriate to tap a seat-hogger and remind them as politely as possible that the seats are reserved? Or is this simply, once again, embarrassing to the standing party?

Another problem is riders who occupy the outside of the seat on a crowded bus, thus making it difficult for those who'd like to sit down. Again, I handle this aggressively: I stand next to the seat, say "I'd like to sit down," and brush past them brusquely. Is there a nice way to tell someone that it's horribly rude to sit on the outside of the seat when others are forced to stand?