Dear Social Grace,
I have a friend whose company I enjoy: She's funny, clever, intelligent, and kind. The problem arises when we go out for dinner, drinks, lunch, etc. When the check arrives, she will make no motion for her wallet, ask what her share of the bill is, or offer any money. After I have paid for both of us (and after waiting a good 10 to 20 minutes and three check-ins from the waiter to see if our bill is ready), she says, "Thanks a lot!" -- as if I'd always intended on treating her. Sometimes she will promise to treat me next time, which never happens.
I make very little money as a full-time student who works a part-time job, but I'm married to a man who makes good money -- something she has remarked about before, as in, "Your husband makes a lot of money, you can afford it," etc. If he were with us and offered to pay, it would be a different story, but when it's the two of us, I am still expected to pay. This makes me uncomfortable, yet I do not know what to say to her without causing a scene. I enjoy her company and would like to continue our friendship and occasional outings together without the annoyance and expense of always covering her costs; how do you recommend I broach this subject in a polite manner when the check arrives?
Sincerely,
Not Mrs. Moneybags
Dear Mrs. Empty Pockets,
I'll just have to trust your assertion that this woman has qualities that make up for her brazen check-dodging; however, one mistake you're making in dealing with her is waiting for the check to arrive before discussing payment. The next time she invites you to lunch, for example, you could say something like, "I'd love to, but even though you promised to treat this time, that restaurant is a bit pricey, so I insist on splitting the check." She'll either acquiesce or -- I wouldn't hold my breath -- treat you. When the check comes, tell her what she owes, hand her your money (bring small bills for exact change), and give her a big smile. Or visit the restroom. Or look out the window and softly hum a happy tune. Indeed, there are many ways to facilitate paying your own way.
Some talk of money is inappropriate. For example, giving a friend's spouse's salary as an excuse to sponge off of that friend -- bringing it up at all, really -- is not very nice. (The next time she mentions it, give her a confused look and ask her what your husband's income has to do with the price of dim sum at Yank Sing.) On the other hand, it's not impolite to discuss costs when planning an outing with a friend. Being firm may be the only way you can continue to socialize with her. If after talking about it she still won't pay her own way, you might have to limit your time together to walks in the park and other free activities.
Dear Social Grace,
Could you please tell me what the etiquette is regarding lipstick on a wineglass, or any piece of glassware for that matter? I usually try and wipe it away as discreetly as possible, but this inevitably leads to a lipstick smear. Should the lipstick be left alone?
Via the Internet
Dear Made-Up Madam or Sir,
Little smudges of lipstick on the rim of your glass can properly be left there. They're not doing any harm (and anyway, it's a color you like and a good way to identify your glass in a cluster of them). Attempting to wipe them away can often be, as you note, counterproductive -- and, incidentally, lipstick is easier to clean from a glass than a cloth napkin. If this is a serious, recurring problem for you, though, try blotting your lipstick, thus preventing telltale mouthprints on glasses, napkins, and paramours.
Dear Social Grace,
I am rather new to sushi dining, and have a few questions with which I hope you can help: When dining at a sushi bar or counter where you pick out your own food items, and your waitperson only brings beverages, what is the recommended tip? Is there a difference in recommended percentage range if you only have water as a beverage, vs. sake?
Also, I am deft with chopsticks, but not as at ease with manners in this area. When faced with a rather large piece of sushi, wrapped in ultra-thin seaweed, which fate should one choose: 1) try to bite the sushi in half and pray that it doesn't fall apart, or 2) shove the whole thing in one's mouth? Please let me know what is the preferred custom in both American and Japanese cultures.
Thanks,
Sushi Student
Dear Studious Madam or Sir,
In a buffet or sushi-boat restaurant -- where one serves oneself food but is waited on for drinks -- tips are generally around 10 percent of the total bill, a bit less than you'd tip for regular table service. The more sake you enjoy with dinner, the bigger your bill and the larger the gratuity.
