Dear Social Grace,
My boyfriend of six years and I are talking about getting married. He is finishing his master's degree this spring; we are both currently unemployed. We're both in our 30s. We would like to be able to have a wedding where we can invite all our friends -- over 100 people -- but alas, we have absolutely no budget. I've thought about having a tiny ceremony with just one witness followed by a big informal house party a few weeks later where we announce our elopement. Is that a no-no in the big book of etiquette? Do you have any good tips for couples on a stringent budget?
Also, he is an only child and his doting parents live abroad. I am the youngest of a large and volatile family. I dread inviting any of them, but I feel that if I do not, they would be conspicuous in their absence. If we elope, my mother's feelings would be hurt; if I invite her, she'll "invite" the rest of my family -- and the happiest day of my life would become an episode ofCops. Any advice you can offer would be wonderful.
Nervous Bride
Dear Nervous Madam,
In fact, elopement is not at all an etiquette no-no in my view. In several of the "big books of etiquette" in my library, it's listed as a perfectly proper alternative when considerations such as a limited budget or a "volatile" family make a more elaborate ceremony unworkable; your situation certainly presents some good reasons for choosing to elope rather than host a big wedding. You could easily soften the blow to your mother's feelings by calling her immediately after you've tied the knot -- because you "wanted her to be the first to know" -- instead of announcing your marriage at a large party. (Even if that's not strictly true, and even if you happened to call your husband's parents first, you should let close family members know right away.) You might then consider a honeymoon "tour" -- visiting his family and yours and enjoying any raucous party your mother cares to throw (and just think of the money you'll save if the nice people from Copsdo some of your wedding photography). You could then host an informal celebration for your many friends when you return.
The best tip I have for couples on stringent wedding budgets is this: Despite a current mania for huge, expensive celebrations, they're not necessarily more meaningful than the small, quiet kind. Rather than going into debt and putting yourselves through familial unpleasantness for the sake of appearances, eloping sounds like an intelligent (and, I dare say, terribly romantic) way to begin your lives together.
Dear Social Grace,
Having had a private-school upbringing and natural common sense, wouldn't you agree that it is rude for one to talk with a mouth full of food?
A co-worker has a very bad habit of this, and when called on it, he gets very defensive, and says it's "my" problem, as no one else seems offended. We work in a very small office and even if I am not "looking" at him while he engages in this act, I can certainly "hear" him doing it when he engages in conversation with others ... and it's rather offensive and annoying, to say the least. Your thoughts?
Irked by Mush Mouth
Dear Irked Madam or Sir,
Even I, with my fine public-school education (ahem), can come down firmly in favor of chewing with one's mouth closed. Conversely, even I, with my extremelydelicate sensibilities, have generally managed to tune out this kind of offensive but low-level noise when it occurs. You've already gone so far as to alert this fellow to his problem; if he doesn't care to reform his eating habits, all you can do is avoid inviting him to eat with you. A workplace relationship doesn't warrant table-manners correction -- which is why you might consider speaking to a manager about limiting desktop eating. (And not too long ago, before the informal office became ubiquitous, regular eating at desks was rarer.) This action won't make you very popular in your office, but then, neither will making personal comments about your co-workers.
Dear Social Grace,
For personal reasons, I have recently changed my last name. I wonder how to let people know, although I don't want to make a big deal out of it. Is sending out a mass e-mail letter considered gauche? Also, I've already encountered one "Why?" a question I prefer not to answer. Any suggestions for a response?
Signed,
By Any Other Name, I Smell as Sweet
Dear Fragrant Madam or Sir,
I'm not quite certain what you mean by "a big deal," but one can, when one changes one's name, correctly notify acquaintances and business associates via formal, mailed announcements, which I recommend. Waiting to tell people one by one may lead to awkward moments. E-mail has the advantage of being less expensive, but it's still considered somewhat informal outside of business situations and is perhaps therefore inappropriate, depending on your sensitivity to perceptions of gaucheness. A formal announcement has the appropriate gravity. (Another concern for you might be that a simple, even accidental, click of the "Reply All" button could turn your declaration into a group discussion of "Why?") In situations such as yours, the best response to prying questions is a gently demurring, "Oh, that's just my own personal business, and I'm sure it wouldn't interest you at all."
