Lady on Board

Dear Social Grace,

Say you are a gentleman on a date with a lady. You've had dinner, and you've reached your car and are preparing to head home. Because you are a gentleman, you unlock and open the car's passenger door for her and make sure she is seated inside. Now, I have two questions. Is it your job to also close the car door for her, or should she take care of that herself after she is situated?

Second, should she, to be polite, reach across and unlock your door for you (as it's raining and you fumble with your car keys)? Or is it considered more ladylike to just sit there and wait patiently for the gentleman to get into the car?

Thank you,
Curious

Dear Curious Sir,

If you want to create an old-fashioned "ladies and gentlemen" atmosphere, the answer to both of your questions is clear: The lady should have as little contact with any door as possible. You would open the car door for her, make sure all limbs and hems were safely inside before gently closing her door, and then open your door yourself. This sort of environment is, of course, not for everyone.

The wording of your second paragraph suggests that you were perhaps a bit irritated by some lady, somewhere, who did not reach across and unlock your door while you struggled in the rain. Indeed, it's by no means incorrect for a passenger to unlock a driver's door after being let into a car; I'd even go so far as to call it a nice thing to do. If I've guessed correctly about your situation, the problem might have been that the lady in question thought she was on an old-fashioned, formal date, while you thought you'd moved into informal territory. (It's generally a good idea to skew toward formal if you're unsure.) Or perhaps her clothing wouldn't allow her to lean gracefully across your gearshift. Whatever the reason, you mustn't hold it against her -- she behaved properly. Most couples eventually end up helping each other in and out of automobiles, so you probably won't spend the rest of your life unlocking both car doors.

I'll just add that modern dating etiquette takes into account that (gasp!) a lady may be the driver or that both parties might be ladies. Opening or unlocking a door for your date -- regardless of your gender -- is charming, courtly behavior that I heartily endorse.

Dear Social Grace,

I am a gay male, and I recently ran into a straight female co-worker/friend, who was with a guy who she introduced as her "boyfriend." The problem is, I, uh,know this guy very intimately, from a couple of years ago, and I've seen him around in gay bars since our very brief, uh, acquaintance. He did not acknowledge that he recognized me when my friend introduced us, though. My question is, should I tell my co-worker that her boyfriend may not be who he says he is? Thank you.
Via the Internet

Dear Concerned Sir,

The short answer to your question is no. Such a disclosure would not only fall under the category of "inappropriate gossip" but also be potentially humiliating for your friend. In addition, it assumes many things that are plainly none of your business. For example, who's to say that she doesn't already know? How can you know what her definition of "boyfriend" is?

Nice people simply don't discuss their intimate knowledge of a new boyfriend's past. The new boyfriend has to explain those things himself. (Besides, just about everyone who's had a boyfriend already knows that what the new ones say about their pasts can't necessarily be taken as the plain truth.) You are not obligated, however, to participate in social charades perpetuated by rogue "boyfriends": Now that you've been reintroduced, feel free to mention your mutual friend the next time you see this fellow "out and about."

When you are introduced to someone you think you already know, it's not wrong to ask if perhaps you do (unless you know him through your involvement with the CIA, AA, the Witness Protection Program, or another organization that guards the identities of its members). If he demurs, you should at least pretend to have been mistaken. But when you see your co-worker tomorrow, you wouldn't be out of line to say, "Gary seemed nice -- and he looks so much like someone I used to know that I was almost sure it was him. You should tell him he has a double." You'll have to let her (and him) take it from there.

Dear Social Grace,

As a housewarming gift, my partner's aunt gave us a subscription to a magazine. This week, we received a notice from the magazine that our payment for this subscription (less than $30) is past due. The aunt in question is very sweet but the poor dear is getting on in years, and she may have mixed things up somehow with the payment. The amount of the bill is probably a much greater expense to her than it is to us. I think we should simply pay the bill and be done with it to avoid embarrassing her, but my partner says he wants to let his aunt know that we've received a bill for her gift so that she can straighten things out. What would be the socially graceful thing to do in this situation?