Dear Social Grace,
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly three years, and we recently got engaged. We planned to have our wedding in late 2004, because we will be moving across country in the coming year and want to save some money.
My sister has been dating her boyfriend off and on (but mostly on) for the last five years. After our wedding announcement, I received an e-mail from her suggesting that we move our wedding date up a year, as she and her boyfriend had been discussing a spring 2004 wedding. However, they have no engagement plans yet.
I've considered the propositiononly because I feel it would be a burden on our family to attend two weddings in two different states only months apart, but I must admit that I feel pressured to acquiesce. I'm still undecided, but I need to figure it out soon.
Needless to say, my sister and I currently aren't getting along because of this situation. I feel that she's being rude for even asking that I move my wedding date to accommodate her potential wedding -- I think we've planned far enough in advance that she should be able to work around it. She feels that I'm the selfish one for asking her not to plan a wedding so close to mine, and she now feels that she may have to wait until 2005 to get married. That is, if they do decide to get married! I suggested 2003, but she says that's too soon. Is she out of line, or am I just asking for trouble by planning a long engagement? What is the average amount of time for family members to wait between weddings?
Sincerely,
Sometimes I Wish I Had a Brother
Dear Brotherless Madam,
It is a pity that you've never had some of the experiences that only a brother can provide -- because if you had on several occasions found thousands of earthworms in your bed, say, or if you'd ever been tricked into eating a cow pie, you might appreciate your sister just a bit more.
And if you two could try for a moment to appreciate one another, you might be able to consider a rather obvious solution to your problem -- a double wedding. Now, it's just an idea, and there are drawbacks: Double weddings are much harder to plan, for one -- but then, you do have plenty of time.
I understand, though, that planning a wedding together might not be quite the thing for two sisters who are already not getting along. Six months is widely thought to be "long enough" for an engagement (and therefore can be considered a good amount of time for siblings to wait between far-flung weddings). But there are plenty of circumstances that make a longer (or shorter) engagement a better idea.
Does knowing that you seem to be in the right help you at all? You "reserved" the spring of 2004 first -- and you are, unlike your sister, in fact engaged.
But weddings shouldn't cause familial strife, and there must be room for compromise here. Is bad blood between sisters really worth a few more months of wedded bliss? If tact didn't prevent us, one of the Social Grace Wedding Experts might point out that you and your fiance are already living together.
Another factor might help you decide: In other times and places, it was considered "better form" for a younger sister to give an older sister a reasonable chance to marry first. It's an outdated tradition (based on the misconception that a single woman was an unhappy one; when younger sisters started marrying first, older sisters moved closer to "spinsterhood"), but if this rule works in your favor, you might mention it to your younger sister.
Dear Social Grace,
Traditionally, I understand, one is not obliged to tip the owner of a restaurant. A number of questions have come to mind, and I hope you can clear up the confusion.
First, is this no-tipping rule a valid rule, nowadays? Also, how can you be sure the restaurateur is an owner and not just a manager? For the no-tipping rule to apply, does the person have to own the restaurant? Is the proprietor likely to know the no-tipping rule, or will he or she think you're just a cheapskate? What about other family members who wait tables (a spouse or children, for example)? Does no tipping also apply to them?
Via the Internet
Dear Confused Madam or Sir,
Who are you that restaurant owners feel the need to serve you themselves? I'm just certain that you're dreadfully famous, and I'm once again frustrated by the anonymity of the Internet. But you pose some interesting questions, and I hope to alleviate some of your confusion.
When you are seriously in doubt about whether to tip someone who serves you, do tip. A person is much likelier to be insulted by a missing tip than a present one. (And a person who has been tipped incorrectly is allowed to say something like, "Thank you kindly, but a gratuity really isn't necessary.")
The "don't tip the owner of the establishment" rule, as it applies to hair salons and restaurants, is somewhat spottily in effect nowadays. If you know in advance you are to be served by an owner, you are not out of line to ask the reservation clerk, for example, if the owner accepts tips.
foam order.com
