Read It and Weep

People have accused the San Francisco Chronicle of a variety of shortcomings, but there's little question it's a paper that knows its audience. In the Chron's June 11 edition, critic Steve Winn spun out a lengthy piece about how and why works of art make people cry. At the end of the article, the Chron did a very wise, knowing thing: It asked its middle-aged, feel-good, I-got-mine, I'll-worry-about-the-homeless-once-the-BMW's-paid-off readership to write in about what works of art make them cry.

It was like dropping a cow in a lake full of piranhas.

In its June 18 edition, the Chron devoted a full page to the many, many, many letters from readers cataloging the things that make them cry. Among them: Fried Green Tomatoes, Le Miz, Babe, "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," Julia Child cooking shows, and, most strangely, Lord of the Rings.

Well, we're not entirely heartless here at the Weekly, either. We confess that we bawled our eyes out at the end of Snoopy Come Home, although at the time we were, well, 8. That said, in the name of healthy competition with our friends at the Chron, we list a few things we hear around town that make us cry.

"Please be patient. The train will be moving shortly."

"Now batting for the San Francisco Giants, Shawon Dunston."

"Poetry slam tonight!"

"Supervisor Daly, you have the floor."

"Here's the starting lineup for your Golden State Warriors!"

"Hella."

"Good evening, I'm Terilyn Joe."

"According to local public power activists ...."

"Hi! I'm Jan Wahl!"

"Hecka."

"Former Supervisor Amos Brown said today ...."

"Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for ... Sammy Hagar!"

"More Grateful Dead, after the break."

"Sharon Stone stars in ...."

"I'm Tiffany Shlain, and welcome to the Webby Awards!"

"Now, an exclusive sneak preview of what's in tomorrow's San Francisco Chronicle."