Dear Social Grace,
If you live in San Francisco, you may notice gay men with different-colored handkerchiefs tucked into their back pockets. You may not know that those handkerchiefs are not just for taking care of the sniffles: Different colors mean that a guy is into this or that sexual activity, and it's called "flagging." I work with a man who "flags" at the office, i.e., he wears a specific color hanky in a specific pocket, and it means that he is hoping to find a specific sort of sexual activity. I write to you only out of idle curiosity: Does Social Grace have a position on this practice -- i.e., are there times and places where it is not OK to flag?
Via the Internet
Dear Flagged Madam or Sir,
While we here at Social Grace Inc. quietly empty our pockets of colored items, I'll grant that the office is not the most suitable place to engage in the subtle search for sexual partners. (For one thing, when such searches are successful, the office holiday party tends to have the wrong sort of atmosphere, and we all know how awkward that can be.) So, yes, there are times and places where "flagging" as you describe it would be inappropriate. However, I heartily encourage the carrying of handkerchiefs: People over the age of 3 should not wipe their noses on their sleeves. Social Grace generally takes an "Ignore things that don't apply to us" position, which seems relevant to your situation. Unless it's speaking directly to you, the handkerchief in question is your co-worker's concern.
Dear Social Grace,
Sometime in my education, I learned that it was rude to eat while someone was speaking to you during dinner. Since no one else seems to abide by this rule, I am often left with a full plate when everyone else has finished their dinners. Am I mistaken or is everyone else?
Sincerely,
Leaving the Table Hungry
Dear Hungry Madam or Sir,
If you're not eating while you're speaking and not eating while someone else is speaking, you're not getting a lot of nutrition out of a social dinner. Etiquette won't force you to wolf down your ravioli while your date is in the restroom -- eating with others is supposed to be a convivial affair. Good conversation enhances the flavor of food. Of course, one should maintain as much eye contact as possible and appear at least as interested in one's dinner companions as in one's meal, but it is not impolite to eat while others are talking. Just remember to take small bites in case you're asked a question.
Dear Social Grace,
I was recently served a rather confusing, do-it-yourself dessert, which consisted of a small slab of cake covered in a chocolatey sauce. Next to it on the plate was a small bowl of berries and a tiny little cup of warm cream. Was the cream meant to be poured on top of the cake, or was it for dipping? Or drinking? Or was it for the berries? I've never encountered this sort of dessert before, and I take pride in my table manners.
CW
Dear CW,
The last thing food should do is unsettle and confuse diners. I, too, take pride in my table manners -- and I consider myself something of an expert on dessert -- but I've never encountered the exact concoction you describe. Your best course of action in such a situation is to ask your server how to proceed. He should know the answer, and he'd be much more amused by your silent struggles (should you attempt to go it alone) than by your honest question, so don't be embarrassed. Consider: "What an unusual dessert! Is the cream meant to be poured on top?" There's no shame in being unfamiliar with a strange dish, and sometimes the only way to avoid table-manner errors is to ask for help.
Dear Social Grace,
When one leaves the bathroom, should the toilet lid be left down, which seems more delicate, or up, which seems more inviting?
Via the Internet
Dear Up-and-Down Madam or Sir,
A toilet is, by its nature, already just as inviting as it needs to be. When I was young, Mother Grace (who, like most mothers, understood the bathroom's additional role as occasional sanctuary) insisted that the commode be closed when not in use. She wanted mainly to prevent the dog from drinking out of the basin, it's true, but this simple rule seems a good one even in petless homes, for reasons I'm sure I don't need to elaborate here.
