Weekend in the Country

Dear Social Grace,

I am in a dilemma and was wondering if you could provide some guidance regarding the following scenario. I work for a company as a managing director (a middle-management position), and I've been invited to spend a weekend at a sporting lodge with one of my superiors, a senior vice president (obviously a senior-management position). I have been advised by some of my co-workers that it would not be appropriate for me to accept the invitation, as I am not this man's peer here at the office. Other employees feel that this is immaterial and that I should take advantage of the opportunity to go on a weekend retreat and possibly network with other "bigwigs." What does it say in your etiquette crystal ball?

Signed,
Stuck in the Middle With You

Dear Stuck Madam or Sir,

You've consulted the etiquette oracle, and you shall be enlightened: A cat can look at a king, and a middle manager may socialize with a VP. The only thing that should prevent you from accepting this invitation is an extreme dislike for the sort of activities that take place at a "sporting lodge."

If this outing was proposed as a purely social event, then your office's hierarchy has nothing to do with it -- and overt attempts at "networking" will probably be frowned upon anyway. If it was proposed as an extension of your job, then it seems that your going might be necessary. Either way, I see a weekend in the country in your future.

Dear Social Grace,

I've recently started dating this guy, but neither of us is "exclusive" yet. We haven't had the big "I love you" talk yet, so I'm expecting him to date other people, and I am dating other people, too. The thing is, when we're together, he talks about those other people all the time. Basically, I think this is kind of rude, to talk about other dates he's recently been on when he's with me, and I wouldn't (don't) do that. Would you? Am I overreacting?

Via the Internet

Dear Dating Madam or Sir,

No and no, and I'm glad you haven't put all your romantic eggs in this gentleman's basket. It's understood, of course, that before there's a mutual agreement about exclusivity in place, a person can and should date more than one person at a time. Why, Mother Grace herself instructed us to play the field before settling on one person (although she didn't use those exact words).

There is, however, something distasteful about harping on recent romantic adventures while on a date. Many people have come to believe, through exposure to too many daytime TV talk shows, that complete honesty and explicit openness are always good things. This is not true. If someone throws a chair at you on national television, you have been perhaps too honest and open.

One should focus romantic attention on one's current date. First off, discussing other dates would seem to invite comparison, an obvious no-no. Also, going on about it seems deliberately insulting, if not unpleasantly boastful. No one here has made any pledges of devotion yet, so both parties already know that on evenings when the other is "busy," "busy" may mean "eating sushi with someone else." I'm glad you're playing the field. This fellow may not be the right one for you.

Dear Social Grace,

A friend's husband died recently, and I received an invitation to a celebration in his honor. I won't be able to make it, but the invite also lists a charity to which we can make donations. Problem is, I can't find anything about this charity anywhere. There's nothing online, nothing in information, nothing in any list of registered charities, and the charity's address is that of an individual I don't know based in another state. I'm sure my friend wouldn't knowingly refer people to a bogus organization, but I'm loath to send my money just anywhere. I don't feel I can call her to ask her about it at this time. What would you recommend? I'm genuinely not trying to get out of making a donation -- I'd happily send money if I knew the charity was legit.

Via the Internet

Dear Charitable Madam or Sir,

My first thought after reading your letter was, "Good for you. Doing some research before sending a check to a charity is a smart thing to do." And you're right on one point: Now is not the time to discuss your concerns about this organization with your friend (indeed, there may never be a right time for that).

My second thought was, "Can one be perhaps too careful in a situation like this?" After all, you admit to trusting your friend's judgment. Please don't get me wrong: Where you send your money is your decision. But I might try to rely on my friend's choice.

Fortunately, the charity was given as a suggestion, not as a requirement. Etiquette asks only that you send your friend a handwritten note of sympathy and condolence. Beyond that, you may follow your conscience. If you can't bring yourself to send money to this mysterious organization, you may still be able to follow the spirit, if not the letter, of your friend's wishes by making a donation to a charity with similar aims.