Face Full of Memories

The last part is not entirely true. The SFPD gives $280 tickets for vending without a license, but our dealer assured us this was rare. Since there were no other immediate opportunities to make mad dough, we gave it a shot.

The world's smallest kite is, see, a kite that's about as big as your hand, and actually flies. It sells for $5 and falls apart after five minutes. It's brightly colored, though, and out-of-towners who have been herded into our local tourist corral, Pier 39, love it.

Our first mistake was purchasing the kites up front. If we sold them all there would be a big payoff, but for the time being 60 kites set us back $180. Each kite beyond that was pure profit, however, so on a recent sunnier-than-normal Saturday we got out of bed at the crack of 11 and dragged ourselves down to the wharf. Standing somewhere between the human statues and the Bush Man, we flew demonstration kites and had nothing but our wits to go on. Our sales pitch went like this:

Us: It's the world's smallest kite! Handmade, these high-quality kites actually fly. Your money back if you can find a smaller one! Who wants to try it? (Spying a semi-interested-looking toddler holding hands with his mother, who was wearing a North Dakota State University Bison sweat shirt) How about you, little guy? The world's smallest kite is so easy to fly that even the world's smallest kid can do it!

Toddler: (Puts out sticky hand)

Mother: No, I don't think so, Brad.

Us: (Approaching)

Toddler: (Clamoring for kite)

Mother: No, Brad.

Us: (Placing kite in toddler's hand while simultaneously trying to keep the kite up in an almost complete absence of wind)

Toddler: (Lighting up)

Kite: (Lying limply on the ground)

Us: Wow, buddy, you're good at that! Isn't it fun?

Toddler: (Smiling)

Us: (Turning to mother) Now, they're $5, but I can offer you two for nine. If you want to look at our inventory here, we've got lots of different colors. Do you have any more children?

Mother: (Frustrated)

Toddler: (Putting kite in mouth)

Mother: Brad, don't do that. (Turning to us) OK fine, here. (Hands us the money)

Us: Come back soon!

This was an unusual case, however, and in total we hawked fewer than 20 kites. In the demonstration process we broke three, and two more got tangled in strollers and bicycle spokes. Toothpicks and papier-mâché are not the most durable construction materials.

By the time it was dark we felt dejected and cold. We had to take the bus and the underground all the way across town to get home. We vowed never to sell the world's smallest goddamn kite again.

The only problem was that we still had a boxful of them, about half of which we'll need to sell to break even.

-- Ben Westhoff